Once upon a time

I have lots of time on my hands in the evening at the moment. I can't afford to go anywhere and suddenly finding yourself single highlights the fact that you have perhaps neglected your other friends a bit. Surprisingly they weren't sitting around by the phone waiting for you to contact them again when you had nothing better to do. They actually got on with their own lives and had other friends to be seeing and having fun with.

I must rectify that one in future, another lesson learnt. Either that or find some way of sabotaging Daniels relationship with Howard. Perhaps i should sleep with him or accuse him of trying to chat me up ? (i'm joking there by the way just in case you didn't get it). I like Howard and hope he and Daniel do stick it out. It's actually nice to have a couple of friends like that. It's the my gay equivalent of ringing mum & dad for advice and sympathy.

I went into a charity shop today and said to the guy behind the counter that i was looking for an instrument to learn. His first choice was a mouth organ !. I resisted the temptation to make a joke. Then he produced a trumpet (i kid you not) in the end he asked if i had ever heard of people playing the spoons.

He showed me how too do it (which is basically hitting them together on your legs and hands) and seemed to be enjoying the company bless him. I made my excuses and left for my lunch. The only way i wanna use a spoon is to stuff custard in my face. Can you imagine me going round to Daniels and saying "i have learnt a new instrument, wanna hear me ?......Have you got two spoons ?"

Did nothing about the french lessons again though. That one seems to be falling by the wayside only two days in. Must look into that tomorrow. I'm convinced it was just a fantasy about french men really.

Had another go at writing a story. After writing for half an hour i deleted it, crap. Write about what you know they say, but i wanna write a story, I've never done that before.

I saw a bit of Red Riding on the TV the other night and thought perhaps that is the way i should be going. It's set in the North of England. maybe i just need to think of a good story and set it where i live or have been.

Blackpool would be good. Maybe about this gay guy who murders his boyfriend and dumps him off the pier.... mmmmmm

Moving on

Play a musical instrument, write a book, learn a language.
That guitar in a charity shop had no strings and was dropping to bits so I’m gonna trudge round some of the others to find something with a keyboard. Even if I can’t actually play the damn thing I can pick out a tune with one finger so it would be a start.
I tried to write some sort of murder mystery and it was hilarious. It read like i was trying to sound like an American gangster from the 40s. Except I’m not American, or a gangster. I come from Lancashire. delete, start again. It would help if I thought of a story first mind you.
Learn a language, those cassettes where advanced part two from 11 to 20 and tapes 11,12 and 18 were missing so that’s out. I looked into night classes. £140 for 25 lessons + 3 free. and all at 4.30 in the afternoon so no chance there, i'll be at work. What i really need is a good looking french man to teach me. At least i'm trying.

Before I came out, or should I say, was dragged out. I imagined moving away to some far off place where no-one knew me so that I could make a fresh start and be who I wanted to be.
Now I am considering a move away for a new job I have the opposite dilemma.
I’m out now. People around me know and accept me (or don’t). I have friends, etc and apart from the odd situation where I just keep my head down (work) I’m ok.
If no-one asks I don’t tell. It’s not important to shout it from the rooftops anymore, but it doesn’t matter who knows either. I have been through all the shit where people make the judgement whether they are ok about it or show disapproval. The rest comes as and when the situation arises. Sometimes I’m still shocked when someone suddenly backs off after find out. Other times I’m equally surprised that someone I thought would be homophobic doesn’t give a shit.
It’s what been openly gay is all about. You don’t just come out and that’s it. It’s a continuing thing. There are times when something hits you between the eyes to remind you that not everyone is tolerant, but most days it’s at the back of my mind now.

So imagine leaving all this behind and moving to somewhere new. Starting afresh. New friends, work colleagues, Neighbours., pubs, clubs., etc. Do I have to start coming out all over again ?.
I know I’m not moving to Timbuktu or to some backward looking part of the globe, it’s just over the tops, but It will be like having to come out all over again.
And anyone who says otherwise is kidding themselves.
I imagined I would be a stronger person for being openly gay, but suddenly the thought of going back to go again is a little scary. It won't put me off, but it's food for thought.

Fantasy land

I am sick of talking about Jack at the moment so the last word on the subject for now is as follows, i told Daniel and Howard.
Howard was shocked, Daniel was less surprised. He knows me better than i know myself. I spent and hour at Howard's house and had a meal with them.
His friend arrived and was telling him how he is going on a course to train in 'hands free massage'. What the fuck is that ?. it sounds interesting though doesn't it?.

Whilst Howard talked to his mate Daniel and i sat at the back door looking out over is garden, or forest as Daniel calls it. It could be so nice if he could be arsed to cut the grass and tidy it up, but Howard hates gardening. Why buy a house with a bloody garden then ?.

When they finished talking his friend knocked on the window and did a really loud 'Oooowoooow, i'm off love, see you later sweeety'. The expression on Daniels face said it all. He hates camp.
Then Howard said that this guy fancied me and we could make up a foursome. This amused Daniel and horrified me. For starters he is not my type and secondly i have an absolute HATE of matchmaking. I used to suffer it in my teen years as a pretend straight so i'll be buggered if i'm having it now.

I spoke to the guy about that job in Halifax, he said i should come over on Saturday and we can talk more. I still haven't decided yet whether i want it, but then again, i'm not sure he has decided whether he wants me either.
We chatted for a while and then the conversation started to get a bit weird. He started talking to me like a teacher or my dad would when having serious talks about my life and where i am going with it.
He asked me what i would do if i could do anything i wanted. I was stumped and couldn't think.

'if you could click your fingers and do any job you wanted or have any kind of skill what would it be?'
Thinking hard i came up with a few that everyone else dream about, play an instrument, learn a language, write a book. In other words Be a pop star, travel the world, be an author. I thought best not to mention the porn star one Then he did that thing that people do where the cleverly say, 'well why don't you then?' as if it's fucking easy and i'm gonna suddenly wake up to this clever little brainwave and say. DOH ! WHY THE HELL DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT ONE?.

I suppose i can do them as hobbies. Writing this blog is writing i suppose, i could buy a second hand guitar from a junk shop and plinky plonk on it at home and i could attempt to work my way through those learn french cassettes that people buy, listen to once, and then give away to a charity shop (there is a full set in scope for 99p)
But it's hardly the same is it.
I'm hardly gonna be playing the O2 arena, translating french porn films into English and writing a seedy story of sleeze and murder that goes to number one in Waterstones best sellers list am i?.

It got me thinking though. you have to start somewhere. perhaps i should be happy with them as hobbies. But i'm not even doing that am i?. i would love to play an instrument but i don't even own a whistle. I'd like to speak a language but if anyone speaks to me in a foreign tong i look at them stupid and don't really listen to what they are trying to say. I would like to write a book but i'm busy droning on about Howards grass and writing shit because it's easy and i don't have to think.
This post started out all positive and now it's gone all self indulgent. I need to stop doing this and perhaps climb down outta my own backside.
I have made a decision tonight. Enough. Balls to everyone. I'll do what the fuck i like. time to stop being negative.

Tomorrow i will buy a musical instrument from a charity shop, even if it's a triangle i'm gonna come home with something.
If those tapes are there, i'm getting them as well. And i'll open a fresh page on my word processor and try write a story.
Then, when I've done all that, i intend running the marathon, having sex with David Beckham, robbing a bank, sleeping my way around the world and swimming with dolphins off the coast of Florida.

Hows that for positive thinking ?.

Rambling

I don't know if it's because of my past history but i like attention only when it's the sort i can switch off.

That sentence may sound a little confusing but that's because it is. I don't care where the attention comes from. I am the type of guy who would be flattered if an older unattractive man showed me some attention in a club for instance. Not that i would go home with him (or would i ?) but i wouldn't be like most of my mates who would look down their noses at him or be offended that anyone like that even dared show some interest in them. As long as he doesn't get creepy i would not only be fine with it, i would enjoy it as much as anyone younger telling me they liked me. I'd probably even flirt with them as well. The rub would come if they wanted to take it further. Then i would want to switch it off. A cock teaser i think the phrase is, but it doesn't just apply to sex. In relationships the same rules apply. I like friends, i like meeting them, having fun, going out, visiting them, inviting them round to my place etc. But if they then start to get attached and take the next step, i want to back off.

I have been thinking long and hard over the past couple of days and tried to take on board some of the stuff that Jack had said. I don't really want a relationship with guys, i want friendship. I seem to want to put sex and relationships in separate boxes. I like friends, i'm a good friend, i am fun to be with and will do anything for anyone (Jacks words not mine) but as soon as i start having sex with them i move them from my friends box into the sexual partner box and that box is on a shelf lower down from all the rest.

I don't know why i do that, and if i think about it i do. Much of my like is a contradiction. I am both a prude and a pervert at the same time. For instance, i think Gay saunas can have mass orgies if they want, shagging in all areas with group gang bangs and filthy sessions all over the shop, but waving your willy around in a public toilet is a no no for me and i don't approve.

I'll gladly accept of a private party where all consenting adults shit on each other from a great height if that's what takes their fancy, but i don't get this wandering around Hampstead Heath thing where members of the public should be allowed to walk without seeing some leather clone getting rogered over a tree.

In the UK there is a newspaper called the Sun. Everyday on page three of this paper they show a topless model. I find it amazing that it's still allowed, and i don't like it. Not because it's a woman, just because it's available for anyone young or old to see. But on the other hand i can't understand why pay per view scrambled subscription TV channels are not allowed to show hard core porn. It's ridiculous.

Sorry I've lost my way in this post somewhere, what was i talking about?.

Oh yeah, me and my relationships. Well i'm single again now and over the last couple of days i will say that amongst the sensible things that run around my head, there have been several others that haven't. Going to one of Dave's parties, spending next Saturday looking for a shag rather than just having a fun night out. visiting a sauna, taking some of them drugs i promised i wouldn't touch with a bargepole.....etc.

I won't do any of those things of course because they are all just a fantasy in my head and i probably wouldn't enjoy the reality.

Back to work, back to reality

Anyone fancy a shag ?.

I'm on the market again. (Sorry Peter D if your reading this, the flesh is weak).

It's now official i am a single person and me and Jack are no longer 'going out with each other anymore'. It soundsa bit childish doesn't it?. The sort of things that kids say to each other like 'your dumped' or 'Laters'.

I don't really know how i feel about it. I'm upset but i'm not crying about it. I think i feel more upset about being alone again. Not that i want a boyfriend and i craved my own space when Jack was with me, but everyone has someone else, or so it seems, so why not me ?.

I didn't see Daniel at the Gym tonight so i haven't told him yet. I'm glad he wasn't there, i didn't fancy going over it all again.

On the plus side i don't think we have fallen out completely. We are on talking terms still, which is unusual for me. When i fall out with guys it's usually pistols at dawn, never to cross each others paths ever again. But previous to going out with Jack i saw him very little in Manchester so i don't see our paths crossing much if we don't arrange anything. Today could be the last time i ever speak to him and yesterday could be the last time i saw him, you never know.

Change the subject quick i'm making myself depressed.
Back to work today and the window is fixed 'did you have a nice holiday?' says the bosses wife.

'yes thanks, it was great' say i. That will be the fist question of the day i know. They know very little about my life outside work and i'll be buggered if i'll tell them anything about last weeks events so i think i will keep my mouth shut about it all.
I'm also thinking about that job in Halifax, It's a friend of Jacks dad so that makes things a little awkward. I'll ring him tonight and speak more.

Perhaps this will give me the chance for some sort of change in my life.

I have decided to change the way i post. I have said before that it's difficult to write about my day when it's not over yet so i'm gonna write when i feel like it and post it all as one at the same time every day (5pm UK time) It will have been written the day before so don't be surprised if things suddenly look a bit behind, or in front.

I have a little time on my hands so i'm gonna play more with this blog.

Single or not ?

I suppose i should write all about my long conversation with Jack about the future of our relationship shouldn't i?.
But to be honest i am sick to death of talking and thinking about it, so repeating everything here is the last thing i wanna do. I would say that I'm not sure if i am single now or not.
We made no plans to meet again and i don't think we are together as a couple anymore. But we didn't say that was it and let's just forget it. I sent him a text message saying "is that it then ?" but have had no reply yet. I don't think we have fallen out either because there were no slamming doors and storming off into the night and we both said see you later.
I need a few days to think about it.

Not much of a post today i know, but i don't feel like blogging at the moment. How typical is that, when nothing happens in my life i can write constantly about any old crap, but something momentous happens an i don't wanna talk about it.

I give up. Boyfriends are out !! no more relationships for me thank you very much.

Things have gone all tits up.
Me and jack have had a bit of a fall out. It’s over something or nothing but it turned into one of those shouting matches where you say things you regret, but know you mean.
I for instance made suggestions about what he gets up to when I don’t hear from him Monday to Friday when he is working away and not answering his phone. How he knows Dave and his mates and whether he is being honest with me about what he gets up to when I‘m not there. And he made remarks about me and Daniel, and the fact that he doesn’t like him and thinks Howard is a berk.

We can get back friends again, but this will always be on the back burner and not forgotten I’m sure. He wants me to drop Daniel and move on. If our relationship is to go anywhere we need to make a commitment to each other. Daniel should be further down in the pecking order than he currently is.
But I don’t know enough about Jack. Where are all his friends that I see on a regular basis ?. The only ones I have met that seem to know him well are his family who know nothing about his gay side, or gay friends who seem to be from his seedy side. Everything about him is false or living in a fantasy world of make believe.
He has said he will come round tomorrow and we can talk properly about it.
I don’t feel like going out again tonight so I’ll stop in and think things over.
I sometimes wonder whether relationships are worth the hassle. It might be lonely when you are single but at least you know where you stand.

To make things worse, there has been a murder in our area over the weekend. Drugs are suspected and it’s being reported that there are gangland connections. Maybe I should consider that move to Halifax after all.

Home

I am back home now, so no more phone blogging for now. I'm also far too tired to be bothered right now. I have a bag full of washing and and no food in the house. Jack and i are still on talking terms but we probably both said things we shouldn't have in the heat of the moment. I will write more about that some other time. I'm not going out tonight. staying in alone and will just chill. Early to bed and probably have a clear head tomorrow.

Heavy night

Its four in the morning, still dark out , thirsty , hangover kicking in , cant sleep, had lovers tiff with jack. last nights events as follows , rough people trying to chat us up , preditor gays out in force , creepy camp men or those that just stare at you saying nothing from the other side of the room looking like a rapist about to pounce, pissed up old queens finding any excuse to put their arm around you and cop a feel.or plant a slobbery kiss, as if its a normal thing to kiss a stranger without permission . Saw someone better looking than jack smile at me whilst standingalone near the bar as jack went for a piss, jack came back so he drank up and left. Jack said that he looked a bit of alright but i didnt react and pretended not to notice , flamboyant teenage acid queen comes over telling jack how pretty he is, until he points out hes not interested , then said queen telling me how ugly jack is and must love himself. So threatened to twat him one. Offered drugs of a kind i have never seen before , lots of scally lads about tapping fags, sniffed poppers out of water bottle someone thrust in front of me and think it was off , burned my nose, jack told me off for doing it . Feeling ok till out in fresh air then felt sick walking back to diggs. mutten dressed as lamb walking the streets with their husbands , silence when we got back , apparently i was flirting with someone i hardly remember and just thought was a laugh . I certainly was not flirting , i wanna go home i feel sick again this was supposed to be fun, if he is like this tomorrow he can fuck off, my nose is feeling sore and so is the bit just under the nostral , its coming up like a boil .fucking stuff

food

Romantic walk on the pier freezing our bollocks off

Welcome to tacky town

Phone blogging

Its midnight and im sitting in bed miles away from my computer . Im sending this post as a text just to see if it works, but im pissed so it could come out shit. I think the pictures describe the last few hours pretty well as it happens , i dont think i need say more. I can delete them all when i get home .we are in a nice little b&b and will be moving on in the morning. I will have a few hours to kill on my own so what to do? Luckily its during the day and i will be sober. If it were now i would be looking for another shag. jack just wants to sleep because hes working in the morning. spoil sport.