Tuesday, 15 December 2009

Christmas is coming

My mum has asked me if i will buy her the Susan Boyle CD for my dad for Christmas.
WOT ???. YOU EXPECT ME TO GO INTO A SHOP AND ASK FOR SUSAN BOYLE ON CD ???!!!. Perhaps you would like me to do it wearing a pink tutu and ballet shoes for maximum humiliation as well ?.
I said yes i would. I'm in a new town and no-one knows me here, If i keep my head down i'm sure i can get in and out of the shop without anyone spotting me. I must remember to take a porno magazine to wrap it up in.

That payment from the customer hasn't arrived yet. It's looking like Friday we will be breaking up for Christmas. I said i would go for a drink with Ryan, but i let slip i didn't like his mate. I don't think Ryan was impressed with that. He knows he's a bit funny but he said he was OK when you get to know him. Thinking about it, i had a similar problem with Jack and Daniel (Jack Daniels i just noticed that link) they didn't get along either and i felt awkward in the middle. I'll give him a second chance for Ryans sake.

I found my old I-pod the other day. It is the size of a packet of fags and weighs a ton. It didn't work though the battery was fucked.

A guy pulled up along side me in a car at lunchtime wanting directions to a local scrapyard. He spoke with a foreign accent and i couldn't understand him. I had to ask him three times to repeat the place he was looking for and i still couldn't get it. It was getting embarrassing, especially as he was very nice and i could understand the words "thanks you very much, it would be nice, very please"
In the end i pointed him in the direction of the nearest one i knew and hoped it was the one he wanted.
As he drove off i noticed he had a flat tyre at the back and he was driving on the rim. The scrapyard i sent him to must have been at least 3 miles away.

What can i buy myself for Christmas ?. I always get myself something but what do i want this year ?
Must look through the small ads for a sexy man willing to do anything i want for a night.


Writer said...

I saw the Susan Boyle CD yesterday at a local bookstore. I'm shamefacedly admit that I was sucked in as soon as I heard her voice. But my friend brought me back to earth with the right amount of "What the hell are you thinking?"

Also a date ending in sex would be a wonderful gift for Xmas...or maybe you should just come home and find him on your bed with a bow on his cock. :D

vilges suola said...

Dear, dear, you'll have Halifax's old ladies pointing you out in the street, saying 'eee, that's 'im at fair likes Syoosan Boyle singin Silent Night. A bet 'e's a right grand lad. As 'e a girlfriend?'

You could order it from Amazon to avoid the ignominy.

I'm going to have to get you into cooking, Michael - the accomplished gentleman arse-bandit doesn't rely on freezers and microwaves when entertaining. Only Susan Boyle fans do that.

Mambam said...

I was interested in the line "i saw the Susan Boyle CD yesterday at a local bookstore"
I saw a book about Susan Boyle in a local Record Store.
What's happening in the world ?. My next door neighbour gets his electricity from British Gas and his Gas from Southern Electric !!.

P.s. if you are offering, i'll provide the bow....

I think i need to but a Delia Smith book and start there. I mentioned it as a joke to someone at work and i've heard through the grapevine that i have one coming as a present.
I'll let you know.
By the way, My grandad once asked me to get him a Foster & Allen Tape (TAPE!!). The humiliation still haunts me to this day because i knew the guy who was serving me. He asked me to sign a piece of paper before he would give it to me. and i asked him why ? he said "because we have to pass on all the names and addresses to the local police so they can check i wasn't an escaped nutter from the local asylum"

drucloud said...

mum loved her irish music danial o`donnaled exc got used to but did draw the line in buying her tickets maybe ryans more is more interesting when your bladded .
anyway this thing yore looking fo in personal ads look under male jigalow
dru x

Anonymous said...

awww the things we do for mother....I recomend dark sunglasses and a cap when going in to get it....lol

Paul said...

You've bought yourself a house, isn't that enough of a christmas present for anyone?

Anonymous said...

Send me oyur address and I'm on my way.