Friday, 29 October 2010

In the mood

It's Halloween this weekend so must remember to turn the lights out and not answer the door on Sunday night. Kids trick or treat a lot around here apparently LOL.
On Saturday night the clocks go back. I don't know if they do that anywhere else in the world but over here in the UK the clocks go back one hour for the winter and and hour forward for the summer.
It's something to do with daylight saving time. All i know is that next week it'll be dark before i get home from work, which is fucking horrible.
On the plus side i get an extra hour in bed on Sunday because 1pm will actually be 12 noon when i eventually adjust my ticker. Huuuuuraaah!!! 
I'm going out tonight, Daniel is in tow and we are going to have a little drinkies. If you are in Mancs tonight and see us, come say hello. :-)
Especially if you look like the below picture.....MMMmmmmmmmmmmmmm My tong, your belly button, and we can take it from there.

Thursday, 28 October 2010

Nothing in common

I seem to have had a really busy week.
Once my parents eventually buggered off back home i then got an invite out for a meal one night and the next for a drink with some mates i haven't seen in about 5 years.

It's funny how easily you can lose contact with mates. Especially school friends. That happens more or less straight away. Within the first 12 months after leaving school i stopped keeping in touch with loads of people. And as soon as i left the hetero world behind and started frequenting gay clubs and pubs the rest became a distant memory as well because i didn't bump into them as often whilst out drinking.

Anyways, on Wednesday night i spent three hours in a pub playing catch up with guys from my past.
We had nothing in common any more. As long as we talked about school it was fine. But any other talk fell on bored ears. It was a laugh, but a one off i think.

The meal was similar to be honest. Remember that older guy i talked about last week ?. We don't actually have much in common. Maybe it was because the restaurant was so quiet and there was no atmosphere. Perhaps i just wasn't in the mood. Maybe i was just sober and felt differently about him.
Mmm, don't jump to conclusions Michael. Give it another go before you decide.

Sunday, 24 October 2010

I feel trapped

It's not that easy to blog when your parents are around. My computer is in the main room and so they can see everything i do.
"What are you doing ?" is the question i've been asked more than once this weekend and it's driving me potty.

At least when i lived with them i could disappear up into my bedroom when i needed some space. But now it's not that easy. For a starters theres very little in there other than my bed. And secondly it seems a little rude when you have visitors to stay.

For some reason we all seem to think we've got to talk all the time. I crave 10 minutes of silence. And i've given up the TV to their programs rather than mine tonight. Not that there was anything particular i wanted to watch. But X Factor would have been preferable to The Antiques Roadshow and they don't find Harry Hill funny so sat in silence all the way through looking perplexed.

On the plus side i've eaten more food in the last two days than ive had all week because my Mum "did a bit of shopping" on the way over. And i even awoke to the sound of her vacuuming the front room bless her. Dad has given me some tips on sorting the garden out that both of us know i will ignore and we have had a bit of a chin wag about old times that was fun.

It's nice, and i've sort of enjoyed it. But i''ll be glad when they've gone back home again.
I've not had a wank since Friday and i'm fit to burst ! 

Wednesday, 20 October 2010

Parents coming to stay.

Oh my god !!. Hide the porn, Do the washing up.
My Parents are coming to stay.

Well actually they are coming to stay at the weekend.(gulp). I don't know how it happened, it was even my suggestion. They are going to a wedding on Saturday nearby to me and were planning on finding a hotel to stay the night.
It's not as if they live the other side of the country, but it will save driving back late at night. Besides it will be a long day. This way they can go to the wedding in the afternoon, come back to my place for a break, and then return for the evening session.

It all sounds very logical really. So why do i feel uneasy about it ?.
Living alone means i've stopped being secretive. I've noticed i don't bother putting porn back in it's box any more. It gets left in the player or on the top of the telly.
My computer favourites have websites i wouldn't want my mum to click on. (not that she would ever get the chance). I don't close the toilet door when i go to the loo. I walk around half dressed more than i used to. I'm in charge of the telly in my house not my dad. If i wanna wash up half an hour after a meal i will do, instead of doing it the second i put the last mouthful into my gob.
I use one teabag per cup not one to share between two. And sometimes i'll for get to turn the kitchen light off when i leave the room.

I think it's just because it's my mum and dad. But i'm not keen on the idea of them staying.

Anyway it's too late now, I've agreed.

Monday, 18 October 2010

Older guy

I've met a fella over the weekend.
He's a bit old for me but it doesn't matter. I thought he looked about early 30s but it turns out he's nearer 40 !. That just goes to show how crap i am at judging age.

It doesn't matter because it's not as if we're gonna become an item. It's just a bit of fun and nothing more.

He's got his own place and stuff and is single but i've been told he used to be married and is actually in the closet. So that's two reasons why this should just stay a bit of fun for starters.

I've never actually had a fling with anyone this much older before. I might have had a bit of a fumble but never actually kept in touch. Daniel thinks it's hilarious. He's the one that goes for older guys not me.

Also he's hairy, and i mean hairy. Not just a bit of hair. A full on bush. And that includes the back which i'm not really keep on.
I'm not that hairy myself so it's a novelty and quite a turn on which has surprised me. On the down side it feels better than it looks so lights off.

I spent the most of yesterday in bed. I didn't get home on Sunday morning till about 8am so went straight to bed. Slept in till about 4pm, got up, had something to eat, lay down on the sofa and slept till about 7pm, got up had something to eat and then drifted in and out of consciousness in the chair watching the X Factor before going to bed at about 11ish.
It was like a lost day. I was knackered.

Thursday, 14 October 2010


We shifted that stone last night. Straight after work i drove over to pick Daniel up and we went straight to the yard.

This guy had a flat back wagon and we had to load all this old stone taken from a demolition job about a year previously and take it over to another site for a guy who bought it. Apparently old stone like this is worth a lot of money. Don't ask me why it just looked like any old stone to me.

But it had all been left out in the weather so half of it was full of mould and piss wet through. It was fairly straight forward. The only problem we had, came at the end, when the twat said he didn't have enough money on him to pay us both so we (or at least Daniel) will have to go back tomorrow night for the rest of it.

Today however i feel the pain. I was ok yesterday but why does it always hurt more the day after ?.

Bath, Radox bath salts and bed i think after this blog posting.
With a possible celebratory wank to finish off with. LOL

Tuesday, 12 October 2010


Pretty boring day today, nothing much happening so here goes.
I got an Email from British Gas today telling me not to forget my three complimentary Swims.
Apparently they are giving all their customers three free swimming sessions as a sort of promotional thing. What the hell swimming has to do with Gas i have no idea. It's like getting a free set of curtains with a new car.

Got a text message from my mum which is unusual in itself. She never texts people, she has no idea how to. But when i read it all i got was "l . - "
So obviously she still has no idea how to.

I'm gonna do nothing tonight, just sit on my bum in front of the telly and watch all Friday nights stuff i pre recorded, The Inbetweeners, 8 out of 10 cats, Rob Brydon, QI... There is normally bugger all on the rest of the week, they save all the best stuff up for the night that everyone goes out. Weeknights it's just soaps, cooking programs & game shows.
If i see another fucking cooking show i'll put my foot through the bloody thing.

Tomorrow night i'm doing that job so don't expect a blog entry, i may even stop over at my parents as well, it will save driving all the way back if it's late.

Monday, 11 October 2010

Fantastic Disco Night

Well Saturday night was interesting to say the least. Absolutely nothing like the previous post. LOL. It was fucking brilliant though so i'm gonna drone on about it for a bit.

We picked up all the equipment in the afternoon and then got to this little club for about 7pm. It didn't start whilst 8 but he wanted to set up and have a drink to calm his nerves. I drove there so he was gonna drive back. Which meant i could have a drink myself after i had done the donkey work. He had far too many Records with him. Yes records. he had records. They weighed a bloody ton and most of the night all he did was put CDs on so why he wasted his time with that lot i don't know. We had enough music with us to play none stop for a decade but it's his gig not mine i suppose.

It was a mixed crowed of people who didn't really start arriving till about 9.30. Which put the wind up the woman whos 50th birthday it was. She, and we, thought no one was gonna come, so it was a relief when it got to about 10pm and the place was packed. By about 10.15 people were dancing and then they stopped everything to make a thank you speech which ruined the flow of things according to my uncle Chris.

Anyway they got going again at about 10.30 and that was it for the rest of the night, he went down a storm. I just wandered around talking to people and getting steadily merry. I can talk to any stranger when i've had a few so i was quite happy. There were a couple of people there that i vaguely knew anyway.

He was very much an old fashioned DJ with lots of talking that no one could really understand and playing things like Uptown Girl and  lots of Motown music. There was fuck all from anything in the last 20 years from what i could hear and then he ended off with some slow stuff like Spandau Ballet True.

A old lady slipped on some spilt beer on the dance floor and as she went down all the women went "wooooooooooo" in a high pitched shocked screech. But as someone went to help her she also slipped and that was followed by another high pitched "woooooooo" from everyone concerned that she was also gonna hurt herself Then as the old lady got up she skidded a bit and there was another "wooooooo" as all these women in unison displayed their shock and horror. It might not sound funny on paper but i had to leave the room i'm afraid i was pissing myself laughing and crying at the same time. It wasn't the women falling it was the "woooooooooo" that did it for me. They were dropping like flys to the soundtrack of old ladies going "woooooooooooo" as they fell. I'm laughing to myself as i type this. You had to be there.

But better was to come. All night long my uncle had been pestered by this woman who obviously fancied him. She hung around for hours and he bought her a few drinks. He was reliving his youth i think and this was turning out to be a great night for him.

When we had done he promised her a lift home in the van with me so we loaded up all the stuff as the place was closing and she just sat around. She was a pissed as a fart, but we didn't realise how pissed until we were ready to go. We couldn't find her anywhere. The guy behind the bar was turning off all the lights when we heard her cry from "help!".

She had decided to go for one last piss before we went home, on each side of the stage there was a toilet, One side Gents, the other Women's. But when she got to the door the lights were off. The barman had flicked the switch thinking everyone had gone home. So she decided to feel her way inside and take a piss. But when she got back up again she couldn't find the way back out again it was so dark. She was calling for help from inside.
Then to top it all ---And this is the bit that I've just spent the whole weekend wetting myself over -- My uncle went to push the door open to shine some light inside and free her, but she must have been just behind the door and it hit her in the face. As we carried her out and sat her on a chair to recover blood coming squirting out of her nose. And finally the icing on the cake came when she then threw up on my Uncle Chris and The barman (who was really pissed of at this point.
She was a mess. What a great night out eh?. I wonder if they will ever see each other again. LOL
Watch this space. When he gave me the £80 i nearly gave it him back for the fun of it all.
The most entertaining night i've had in ages.

What i like to get up to on my weekends

Friday, 8 October 2010

Bum Bum Bum

Daniel has a big red spot on one of his arse cheeks. It looks really sore and tender. Even walking seems to be painful. I don’t think he appreciates me telling everyone he’s got hemorrhoids but he does look like he’s got one finger up his bum when he’s walking. This has happened before so he must be the most unlucky person in the world. Either that or it best he avoid taking up a career in Wildlife Photography. He's liable to get stung or eaten by something.

Top tip of the day for those who don't know - If your gonna try killing a wasp may I suggest you don’t stick it in your pants and sit on it.LOL

Nice bum thought !.

Anyways, if he's feeling better next week a fella he knows has offered us some cash to do some labouring work one night next week

It involves loading some stone onto a wagon and then unloading it again somewhere else. It all sounds a bit too much like hard work too me but it’ll only take three and a half hours tops and we get £35 each.

What with tomorrow night and this, I’m in the money at the moment this is brilliant. ;-)
All i gotta do is the extra work now ;-(

Thursday, 7 October 2010


Daniel has sat on a wasp. LOL !!! Ha ha ha ha ah lol ha ha ahahahaha….
Sorry I can’t write any more tooooooo funny.

Wednesday, 6 October 2010


I saw a tramp this lunchtime.

He was drying out his socks over some railings and sitting on a park bench with nothing on his feet.

He looked really sad staring into space and trying not making eye contact with anyone. It was as if the world around him didn’t exist.

The smell that came from his direction was stomach churning but he didn’t really look dirty.

I can’t say I’ve seen that many tramps recently. Not ones that look like the stereotype homeless person anyway. Bags and all

Nowadays it’s just guys hassling you outside WH Smiths trying to flog the Big Issue.

Like everyone else I walked past and carried on with my life. I might think I’m a caring person but when I comes down to it I do fuck all.

Why are most homeless people men of all ages or women over 50 ?.

There is a guy I see some mornings in the paper shop. He must be 80 if he’s a day and always says hello. The more I see him the more he chats. Nothing interesting just small talk about the weather or the noise of the traffic or any old shit.

But he’s got this sort of weird creepy aura about him. His skin is so white he looks dead and his teeth add to the effect by wobbling about as he speaks. There is so much hair coming outta his nose he could tie a knot in it and every now and then a little bit of spit shoots outta his gob when he’s saying something.

I don’t know why I feel like this about the poor guy because he hasn’t said or done anything strange to me but he’s got a sort of creepy thing going on.

I found out this morning that he used to be a butcher !. Gulp and he’s gay ! Double Gulp..

Tuesday, 5 October 2010

Money for nothing and chips for tea *****

No time to post much tonight, i've been over to my mum and dads for tea and a chat.
More conversation about the America trip. And a reminder that i need to get some spending money together. Shit !.
Have put some feelers out for any extra work anyone can get me.
Anyway i'm shattered and need my bed so i'll leave you with a picture instead.

*** Here in Halifax we don't have Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner. We have Brekkie, Dinner, Tea, and (if you are a greedy pig) Supper.
I've been to my parents for tea, so this means i've eaten dinner with them, rather than just a drink of tea (although i did have a brew as well) and Chips are a British version of French Fries. Big Fat French fries that need about three gallons of Tomato Sauce splattered all over to make them taste good.

What do you mean what is Tomato Sauce ?.

Monday, 4 October 2010

Hang the DJ

I've been offered £80 if i'll help a uncle doing a disco for someone. I say Disco! because that's just what it is supposed to be. A 50th Birthday party for some woman at work.

This guy used to be a DJ about 30 years ago and still has all the records so was asked to resurrect his career one last time for a friend. He's hired the decks and  he needs help carrying all the equipment to the venue, setting it up and then bringing it back again afterwards.
I also suspect he wants me there for moral support as well because it's so long since he last did it he's crapping himself and doesn't wanna go alone.
On one hand i don't fancy the idea of standing there like a tit at one side whilst he plays some shitty 70s Disco music and talks like Smashie and Nicey. On the other hand £ 80 !

I'll do it, but you buy all the drinks and i'm not driving was the reply. It's next Saturday. LOL. Daniel is pissing himself and wants to come. I think he imagines i'm gonna have something to do with it. I'm only the bloody roady for gods sake. I wish he could come because we could just have a few beers and enjoy ourselves most of the night until it's time to go. What am i gonna do between 8pm and 1am whilst it's all going off ?.

Sunday, 3 October 2010

Saturday, 2 October 2010


Yes folks it's that time once again. It's a Saturday and that means Beer Sex & Fun.
God bless the weeeeeeeekkkkkeeeend.
I'm gonna paint the town red and party in my pants.
Have a good one people, hope you get what your looking for tonight ;-)))))

Friday, 1 October 2010

It's a Unfair cop

I saw a guy at the gym the other night with the baggiest pair of boxers you've seen in your life. I thought he was wearing a second pair of pants underneath his pants. Bring back thongs that's what i say.

Driving home afterwards with Daniel we got stopped by the cops. I was shitting myself. What have i done ?. Speeding?, Did i run someone over without noticing?. Neither actually, according to this stroppy policewoman my numberplate was unreadable. Although once she stopped me and got closer she agreed it looked ok.
This woman was only about 5ft 3 and looked like a little rat. The driver of the cop car was a fat bloke who stayed where he was on his arse in a nice warm vehicle checking on a radio that i had insurance and we weren't nicking it. 
If i was gonna nick a car it wouldn't have been this old rust bucket for starters. Then the cheeky cow suggested that i might like to look into getting a new numberplate. Even though there was nothing wrong with it and it had been fine for the past 11 years (that's how old the car is). I told her a new numberplate would probably cost more than the car is worth.

Thank god she didn't ask to have a look around the thing, she might have found the body in the boot.