Tuesday, 22 February 2011

Sexy Hitcher

I seem to spend most of my time in the car now. Driving from Mom and Dads to home and work and back again. I even considered picking up a hitch hiker tonight just for some company who might talk about anything other than bloody cancer and illness.
Actually, if i'm honest i only considered it because he looked fit. A bit unwashed, but blonde hair and a bit hippyfied.
You don't see many Hitch hikers nowadays do you?. Well i don't anyway. Maybe i'm driving in the wrong (or right) places.

I didn't stop of course. The fantasy of some sexy stranger getting i my car sounds better than the reality. I'm a bit anal about clean and if he had any body oder whatsoever he'd have been out on his ear. Never mind him being a mad murderer.

In the news today: The Uprising in Libya and rumours that Colonel Gaddafi is on the run. Or at least that’s what it says in the paper. On telly he was sat in a Golf Cart with a brolly up telling the world he is still in Tripoli
In New Zealand there has been a major earthquake. At least 65 people are confirmed dead and there are fears this figure may rise to 300.

Worse still just next to this story there is news that Tess Daly (41) the female presenter of Strictly come dancing has the beginnings of ‘Turkey Neck’ according to the Daily Mail.
Truly Shocking I’m sure you’ll agree. And they wonder why people don't buy papers any more.

Actually i saw something about a book worth reading called 'stick it up your punter'. It's the story of a behind the scenes story of a Murdock newspaper here in the UK called the Sun and in particular what happened when a new editor called kelvin Mckenzie took over.
I went on Amazon to see if i could buy it cheap. The prices ranged from £5 to £40 and the delivery times started at a week through to three months. So you can sort of understand why electronic text is buggering up paper and print as well.

When was the last time anyone bought a mucky book ? Why would anyone want to buy a mucky book ?

Monday, 21 February 2011

Old Pictures

I've borrowed a book from a guy at work that has lots of old Pictures of Halifax in it. I'm fascinated by stuff like this. My dad used have lots of old Manchester and Oldham snaps at one time  . I remember looking at them when i was a kid. I don't normally like to look at old snaps from years gone by of people i don't know, but when it's somewhere you live it's different. You recognise buildings and how things have changed over the years.
I always imagined myself climbing inside the photograph and going back in time. I once wrote a story i was really proud of at school about doing something similar.
I don't remember the teacher showing much interest in it mind you so it must have been shit. But it went along the lines of me stepping into an old photo and finding myself in the 70s. I knew the surroundings (Oldham) and i knew where i lived, But my parents were younger then and didn't know who i was. Of course none of  my friends were born yet, so i had to try to survive on my own as a 13 year old with nowhere to live, in the 70s!. LOL.

Anyway her is a photo i took recently and one from the book taken a very long time ago. Oh how times have changed. (Spot the difference)
And also my favourite picture from the book. The biggest Car you have ever seen. Or is it an early bus ? I don't know but it just looks funny.
Note the Policeman on foot. You don't see many of them nowadays
Doesn't look quite as nice as it did does it ?
Taxi !!

Sunday, 20 February 2011

No Party

One of my aunties called to see my dad the other day. She's died her hair Red and it looks ridiculous. When she walked in my dad looked and me and i looked at him, we both smirked but didn't say anything about it. But after about an hour i had to leave the room because we had a sort of thing going on between us where we kept mentioning the colour red in our conversation and it was a odds on for who would burst our laughing first.
When she eventually went home  my mum asked what we were laughing at and when we told her she said "stop being so facetious"
Except that's what she was trying to say, but it came out " stop being so feses"

It snowed on Fridsay night/Saturday morning, which was a bit of a surprise because i thought that winter was over and things were warming up a bit. I went to bed at night when there was nothing to be seen and woke up at about 8am for a wee. When i looked outta the window it was white everywhere. Don't ask me why, but i had he phone by my bed and went on facebook to write "SNOW !, WTF ? where did that come from?".
Then i went back to sleep.
When i got up and looked on facebook again afterwards there were at least 3 messages from people saying. 'You must have got up for a wee, i don't believe you are out of bed and dressed at this time in the morning'.
And they were right.

I had been invited to a birthday party on Saturday night. A friend of a friend of a friend who was 20 on Friday decided to arrange for everyone to be at the same pub at the same time. So not really a proper party i suppose.
But it was a good job she didn't because when i rang to say i couldn't make it she told me it had been cancelled due to so many people saying they couldn't come either or who never bothered to confirm they were coming in the first place. They were going into town instead.

I have never had a party for any birthday of mine. 18 or 21st. I would hate it really. I don't mind going to other peoples but never my own. When i was 18 was a bit of an outcast anyway so i don't imagine there would have been anyone there.
But imagine the humiliation of inviting all you friends and relatives and no one turning up? It's the sort of thing that would scar you for life and you'd wake up in the middle of the night with a cold sweat having nightmares about forever. 

Friday, 18 February 2011

Naked people cheer me up

Been to see Dad again tonight. Bloody hell this is costing a fortune in petrol. I've filled the car up twice already this week.

Not that it matters. It's worth every penny, but it's at times like this you realise how much it costs. He's in high spirits but that's probably because he had taken something that made him seem like he was on Speed for a while. Hospitals are horrible places, i hate 'em. They stink, they are inhuman and although everyone tries to pretend they are happy you can tell that deep down inside they are really thinking get me out of this place.

My mum came to mine for a cuppa and something to eat before i took her home. she had a bit of a cry. I can tell it's really getting to her, which in turn got to me.

He was told that if he didn't have any treatment the cancer will really start to show in 6 weeks. After that he would have 6 months. So as you can imagine there is no time to think about quality of life or if he wants to go through any treatment at all. He's just doing as he's told and getting on with it.

As i drove back in the dark i cried to myself in the car. I nearly ran off the fucking road i could hardly see out the bloody window.
Anyway enough of the update now. No more Cancer talk unless i have to.  I need cheering up. so here's a picture of a naked man. Even at times like this sex can work it's wonders at the right moment. 

How to publish your own ibook from your blog

Well after yesterdays post asking how i could turn my blog into a format worth saving for the future. I got an email from a very kind person who gave me a quick and easy way to turn it into a e-book that can be viewed on a I-Pad or Kindle. He even explained how i could make it available on the web. LOL.

For any other blogger interested it's as simple as 123

1. Copy  your blog (or write your book) to a document on your computer in word or open office etc.
2. Convert it to PDF Format (Office has a button for this and will do it automatically)
3. Convert that to a Epub format here (i'm sure there are lots of other sites that will do it also)

PDF files will actually view on a iPad or iPhone anyway, but Epub works better as you get the full page turn/sizing/cover and indexing options if you do it properly.

Then you just load it into itunes like you would any mp3  or book you bought.
And as for making it available to download by other people ?. Just use one of the many file sharing sites there are online and add a link.

Oh and by the way, you can include pictures as well if you like.

I won't be publishing my blog personally because i can't imagine anyone else but me wanting to read it on the way to work in the morning. But it's worth knowing. I think there is probably more to the process than those three steps, from my little experiment there are a few tweeks you need to make. But i had a go and this was the result. It took me about 5 minutes.

Thursday, 17 February 2011

How to keep a Diary

This blog has been going since 2009 in this format. I actually started long before that with no readers or followers. Then i stopped for a bit, deleted the whole thing and started all over again.
I wished i'd saved it really because it is my diary after all. Most of what i write might be shite to you (and if i'm honest it is to me as well) but when i look back on it, it's a bit of my history. A bit like a biography with all the boring bits kept in, spelling mistakes and all. That's it with history isn't it. things that seem normal and boring at the time suddenly spring to life in the future. I was looking at some old pictures at my mum and dads the other week and the things that jumped out of the photos where the normal everyday items that i had completely forgotten about.
That horrible carpet we had, the cups we were drinking out of, that ornament that broke and got thrown away, the video recorder!! we had and even the slippers on my mothers feet.

I've been thinking about finding some way of downloading a copy of this blog and keeping it in a format that i might save for my future. I know Blogger lets you back up your blog but it turns out unreadable and goes from current date backwards.
Diarys should start at the beginning and work your way forward. It's like reading a book from back to front otherwise.
Someone suggested i copy and paste to word document and turn it into a pdf file because that's a more universal format.
Anyone else thought of doing something like this ?. how did you get on ?.

Who knows i may want to read this on my kindle or I-Pad  one day. LOL.

Going on to hospital again tonight to see dad so short post today. No adverse effects yet from his treatment thank god.

Wednesday, 16 February 2011

Stan the man

After the debacle with Daniels bollocks yesterday it was weird to hear that he fell down some stairs today and has done his leg in. Apparently he's been to hospital and may have torn a ligament.
What the fuck is happening to everyone all of a sudden? No dancing for him for a few Weekends by the sound of it anyway.

I don't know how he did it yet but his mum said he was "acting the goat as usual". For those of you who don't know what that means. It’s a sort of expression that suggests he was being an idiot.

I remember he once tried to jump over a concrete bollard in the street. He caught his leg and landed on top of it like a porn star sitting on a massive tool.
He was in agony for ages and we still laugh about it to this today. Well I do anyway.
That is the sort of thing that Daniel will do. Walking into glass doors, spray peanuts everywhere whilst trying to open a bag or tread in dog shit whilst innocently walking down the street. If it’s gonna happen to anyone, it will happen to him. I think he's a reincarnation of Stan Laural.

I have found out who sent the Valentines card. He’s 15 and he's far to young for me. Who gave him my address that's what i wanna know ?.

Dad is in hospital having his first dose of Chemo. He has to stay in from a few days. will let you know how it goes. 

Picture this

I don't normally post pictures on their own, they are just something to add to my text and fill up a blog post.

But I've found these in a folder on my computer. I have no idea where they came from because they don't particularly do anything for me. Well, no hang on a minute, that's not strictly true i suppose. But they don't mean that much to me that i would actually want to download them to my computer and keep them in a folder anyway.
Who could have done that ?.
Daaannnnieeeelllll !

Tuesday, 15 February 2011


Last week, on route to a customer, I drove through a small housing estate.

There were about three council vans and some workmen planting new trees in a line on the pavement. A small group of school kids where also there with spades, along with a teacher taking pictures of them as they shovelled some soil onto the roots like the Queen does when she plants trees.
It made me smile and I thought it looked really nice. It’s always good to see people planting trees. I like trees.

But this morning as I drove past the same spot I noticed that 2 or three of these new trees had been vandalised. They were snapped in half and dangling down on the pavement. I imagine a couple of drunks swinging on them on Saturday night. Bastards.

I got a call from Daniel tonight. He had been to the hospital this afternoon for a scan on one of his bollocks. apparently he thought he found a lump a couple of weeks ago. The doctor had a feel and sent him for a scan that he described as something like they have when looking at babies inside pregnant women. In the end it turned out to be nothing (thank god) and he sounded really releived. He hadn't said anything to me about it before because he didn't want to stress me out, under the circumstances, which was nice of him. I couldn't handle anyone else i love having a bloody illness, especally not cancer.
We then spent the next half an hour making testicle jokes and talking about doctors fondeling young men for a living. Daniel said his Doctor looks about 60 and showed no interest in him at all. He sounded disappointed to be honest. Lol.
During the call i sat there with my hands down my pants checking myself over. My hands are down there every day but i rarely roll my bollocks around my fingers. They are ususaly grabbing the shaft. You never think do you ?

I saw a guy on telly once who got mellanoma skin cancer off a mole on his back. He didn't actually know about it becasue he couldn't see around the back end. But he was a bit of a slapper and slept around a bit. So It wasn't until one of these various women he had carnal nights in with mentioned the state of this mole on his back and suggested he go to the doctor and have it checked out that it was eventually discovered and cut out. If it had been left any longer it would have been too late.
The moral of the story? If you are single, sleep around  more. You need someone else to check the bits of the body you can't reach.

Amongst other things. ;-)

Monday, 14 February 2011


I went with my dad to the hospital on Friday. Here's a tip for you, If you don't want to know how things are don't ask a doctor. He might just tell you the truth.

Yesterday afternoon i sat in and watching crap telly for a bit. It pissed it down most of the day so i didnt' feel like doing anything else. An old lady who lives a few doors down kept walking past with shopping. She's got Alzheimer's bless her. She must have been for a loaf of bread about 8 times. I know i counted.
There is a small corner shop at the end of the road. When i got bored later i walked on to get some milk and a loaf for myself. There was none fucking left! I felt like knocking on her door and asking her if i could borrow some.

I got a valentine card delivered on Saturday. I've no idea who it's from, which sort of defeats the object really. I know i should be flattered but all i can think is who sent it?. It's like having a stalker.
For all i know it could be from a woman. Actually i hope it is a woman because i'm not really into blokes sending blokes valentines cards. It's a bit like holding hands and kissing in the street. I've dumped boyfriends for wanting to do things like that so sending a card with kisses on it doesn't really hit the spot, it's a bit too sissy for me.

Saw a fella at the supermarket with his son. Even though they were strangers i know he was his son because they looked the spitting image of each other, only smaller and taller.
The guy was about 30 and the 'mini me' looked about 8, but they were like twins. The only difference being that i would have shagged the older one.

Wednesday, 9 February 2011

Poppers and gay teen sex

I watched a bit of 'the Joy of teen sex' on telly tonight. Two gay lads wanted to know a bit more about poppers.
The silly buggers started by explaining that they liked sniffing the stuff, but the hit only lasts a few seconds. So once tried sticking it in a dish with a candle underneath !. Very funny. but a great way to burn the house down.

Anyway as usual with these sex shows a heterosexual woman who has absolutely no bloody idea about gay sex gave them some advice. "well i've got a great alternative to poppers" she said. This made me sit up a bit. An alternative to Poppers eh ? what's that then ? some carpet cleaning fluid that is safe and gives you a longer hit?. Well not exactly.

Obviously gay men only sniff poppers so that they can relax their assholes and take a stiff one don't they?(yeh right), so the alternative was a special anal relaxing spray. "it's organic and has a lovely scent" she said.

"i think it smells a bit like Curry Powder" Said the gay.

Yes, exactly fella, what a fucking stupid suggestion as an alternative to poppers. And when having anal sex, Curry is the last smell you wanna whiff from someones backside.

Next week an alternative to having a wank. A cold shower and go to bed early.

Tuesday, 8 February 2011

Snot funny

You may notice that i haven't said much about my dad for a few days. Well that is intentional. For starters i'm sick of talking about it and secondly it's too depressing to blog about.

But as this is supposed to be a diary and i've already mentioned it i will update now and then to keep you in the know. short and sweet and to the point.
Meeting with the specialist this week. Chemo next week, operation after a couple of chemo sessions, followed by more chemo.
Or at least that is the plan. Now, after much pressing from my dad to tell him what his chances are the surgeon has said that after the operation 50% of people last another 5 years.
So dad is taking it that he has 5 years tops. and if that is all he's got, is it worth going through with an operation in the first place ?. I'm pulling my hair out, he's giving up before the battle has even started.

Anyway on to happier news (cos i need a laugh). 

Daniel went to visit his grandma the other day and whilst he was there she told him that she had got him a present. It was a set of handkerchiefs with his initial on the corner LOL.
When he got home he showed his mum and dad what she had bought him and was told that these hankies were actually about 20 years old and belonged to his grandad who was called Derek. He always used real handkerchiefs not paper ones and his gran used to buy them cheap off the market.
Then they said that he should expect to get some cuff links with a D on them for his birthday because she had been talking about it a couple of weeks ago.
It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the fact that she was giving him his grandads old tat rather than expensive family heirlooms.

Whilst we are on the subject who the hell walks around with a cloth hanky nowadays ?. Do you really want a pocket full of snot?.

There was a news story on the telly the other night about about a block of flats in a rough area of this little town that i live. This block of flats had been condemned as a fire risk and all the residents were made to leave almost immediately and move elsewhere.
During the story they interviewed a couple who were very upset and talked out the flat they used to lived in and how they had spent lots of money on it. New bathroom, kitchen, carpets, curtains, WINDOWS!.. the lot.
To make things worse they had been moved to another block of flats that overlooked their old home and as they were discussing all this the camera zoomed across to reveal a grotty looking old 60s style concrete shite block building that was boarded up and covered in barbed wired.
Then they homed into this couples old flat that actually had a set of Georgian windows fitted to it. LOL. It looked so out of place i nearly pissed myself. Imagine an old Laurel & Hardy type Car with Go faster stripes down the side and you get the idea.
Brilliant. Give those people a medal.

Sleep cycle

Must go to bed earlier, I got up late this morning.

Monday, 7 February 2011

God bless America, God Save the Queen

I watched a bit of the Superbowl the other night. I’m not really interested in American Football and it’s about as popular here as our Football (soccer) is over there.
But I love the whole show that they put on. In particular I love the way that they aren’t as precious about their national anthem as we are with ours.
God save the Queen is possibly the most boring drone of a tune ever written and sends me to sleep every time I hear it, god forbid anyone should Jazz it up a bit.
But every time I hear the American national anthem they give it their all and don’t seem to be frightened of turning it into a full blown patriotic masterpiece with over the top singing and swaying.
Whenever you see someone singing our national anthem it looks like a funeral is taking place and most people are just miming or whistling to it.

I’m on facebook but don’t bother trying to look me up. I rarely post anything on it. It’s just close family and friends. I don’t accept anyone outside that circle. It’s just to keep in touch with what they are doing as far as I am concerned. I block all my pictures from any outside viewing and I only post fun or humorous stuff knowing that it’s going to family.
But there are people I know who seem to take the bloody thing seriously and are always posting stuff that makes me cringe.
Not being sexist or anything, but it’s usually the women who do this. They get drunk and change their status to “feeling really low, why doesn’t he love me the way i love him ?” or “felling really angry, all men are bastards”.
Then all their female friends write comments like “what is up darling ?, hugs and kisses, you know you deserve better” bleeaarkk!
Save it for your chat offline, don’t post it to the whole fucking family!.

Over the weekend one of our family wrote a really sad poem and posted it for all to see. Several years ago she lost a child three weeks after birth and it was coming up to the anniversary, So the poem referred to the death of this child and how she weeps for her lost son. However, not everyone knows about this sad death years ago and misread it that her 4 year old had just died. The result was like something from an Orson Wells War of the world radio play. Panic!. Phone calls, text messages, and someone actually calling round to see she was ok.

Thursday, 3 February 2011

Gone with the wind

As you may imagine i'm spending more time at my parents at the moment.
Although i'm not sure why because nothing is actually happening yet. My dad seems ok in himself. He says he feels a bit off and nauseous at times and has to be careful when he eats, he also feels more tired as well, but apart from that externally he looks and acts the same.

He's even questioning me visiting him so often. "i'm not dead yet you know".

As i drove back home tonight the wind took one of my windscreen wipers off and it disappeared over a wall. Thank god it was the passenger side. But it still caused problems. With no wiper on one side how do you keep the other one running. They both work in unison. So as one arm is cleaning the window of rain. the other is scratching the glass.
I wrapped a piece of cloth around it and hoped for the best. Thankfully there were no police cars around. when  i got home i put an old one on, i'll fix it in the morning.
But it just goes to show, It might be blowing a gale outside but the bloody thing must have been lose in the first place. What else have i got loose ? ( anyone who says a screw gets my foot up their arse)

One of the women at work is off with the shits. This means i'm taking over her role for a bit and am tied to a desk until she gets better.
I'm sat staring at a screen all day with nothing more than the drone of computer fans to keep me company. God it's boring. She has an office of her own and it's out of the way from all mankind. She loves it, but i hate it.
I nearly fell asleep this afternoon. Total silence. It's like working in a library, no one to talk too and no interaction. The phone rang at about 2 o'clock and i nearly jumped out of my skin it was that quiet.

I think i might bring my I-Phone earphones in tomorrow. I need more going on around me than all this. It's not as if she has much to do. I know that i am a bit anal when it comes to being tidy but she takes things to the extreme. Even her pens and pencils are lined up on her desk top together in colour order.
She has the neatest flowery writing i have ever seen. there are little notes everywhere and everything has a sticker on it telling you what is inside.
In one draw i found a her own personal stash of toilet rolls. Super deluxe and soft for your arse.
I think she might have been best taking it home with her from what i hear.
Tomorrow i'll try find her porn collection. I wonder if women have porn collections ?. Men do but you never hear about women do you?.
They might have a dildo in a shoe box somewhere but no DVDs or anything to watch whilst using it though i bet.

Wednesday, 2 February 2011

Nothing there

Bit busy at the moment. But to just to update on dad.
The good news is that there was nothing going on in his bowel so no sign of a spread.
That means the next step will be some chemotherapy followed by a major operation followed by more chemotherapy.

I'm over at parents again tonight. Getting a bit tired to be honest.