Wednesday, 28 December 2011

Christmas Past

Home from my mums for the night tonight then back to Mancs again tomorrow.

Need to check the burglars haven't been round and get a break for myself. I'm getting too attached to being on my own. Any more than a couple of days trapped with lots of people and i get the urge to run away. 

Had a shit Christmas, Not like Last year. Well no that's not true, I visited lots of relatives and had a nice time. But someone was missing. I just couldn't get excited about it all. It just wasn't the same.

One of my Aunties did her best on Christmas day and got us all together for a chin wag and drink. And it was nice to see everyone together again. But in the end it was like having sex without the orgasm. ( what a strange analogy !) I just couldn't enjoy it.

Got talking to one of my uncles about our trip to the US Last Christmas. He said he would like to go to America, it's a place he's always wanted to visit, but he has a criminal record. I was astonished because he's not that sort of bloke, so i asked him to tell me more. Apparently 25 YEARS AGO! He worked in a shop, the manager took £10 out of the till and they all had lunch on it.
He was 17 and owned up immediately when confronted by the police about missing money from the till. The owner noticed cash going missing. Even though this was his first (and only) run in with the police and he knew nothing of any previous missing cash he was arrested and given a fine and discharge.
Stupid thing to do. But how the fuck would Any US Border agency know about something he did in 1986?.

Telly has been crap again this year as well. All the big films were cartoons of the Toy Story ilk. The odd one now and then is good but we've now got a glut of them and i'm bored with it. Then (because this is the UK) we have the obligatory programs about shit. The top 100 shittest things of the year. The top 50 most annoying celebrities of the year. The greatest cock ups of the year etc etc. God forbid we ever have a program about the best things and people of 2011. There must have been something good happened surely ?.

Anyway now that Christmas is more or less over for another year i'm planning for New Years Eve. ;-)

Hope you all had a good one and a Happy New Year to anyone reading this.

Tuesday, 20 December 2011

Christmas plans

Bit of a weird week this week. I'm Christmas shopping at every opportunity so hardly any time to post anything on here. As usual i've left it all to the last minute and i've no idea what to buy anyone. To make things worse there has been some discussion at work about certain people handing around presents & cards. For fuck sake, i've not bought anyone anything at work and i've not even considered getting them a card. They are just people i work with not my mates. Don't buy me anything and i wont waste my money on you either.
I've decided to get a box of cheap cards and stick them in my bag. If anyone gives me anything i'll write a card for them in the bog and hand it over afterwards.

Had a good night out Saturday. But it was packed everywhere. This means hours waiting to be served at the bar. Trying to catch a barman's eye whilst making sure no-one else pushes in is a bit of an art. It's like trying to get a stripper to whip his bollocks out. everyone seems to be waving ten pound notes in a come hither style. On the plus side you do get to rub your groin against the backside of anyone in front you may fancy, But the novelty wears off after a bit because they are so engrossed in catching some services as well that you're not even on the radar. I was behind a guy who had he tightest trousers i've ever seen. Not only did they cling to his butt cheeks, they seemed to disappear into his crack as well. He must have been wearing them since he was 10 years old and just grew into em, Because there is no way they were his size.

Daniel brought this guy home with him who looked really tidy. Then he took his shoes off and it sort killed the whole atmosphere. In fact i think it killed off some of the plants in the room as well. Bloody hell he needed more than oder eaters. He needed dipping in bleach and scrubbing with a wire brush. The look on Daniels face was a picture. I just sniggered and said goodnight. I left them to it. Whatever 'it' should be.

At lunch time today i saw a guy who only had one eye. As i looked at him he looked back at me so i thought it best to acknowledge him with a friendly "Hi!". Unfortunately it didn't come out like that and i just seemed to say "Eye!"
I walked away feeling my face starting to burn. where the bloody hell that came from i don't know.

I'm going to my mothers for Christmas, i thought it best to be with her as much as possible through Xmas to New Year. It'll be the first year without my dad so she's bound to feel it. But it seems like every other family member and friend has invited her to theirs for the next couple of weeks and she's accepted practically every ones invitation. I'm going over to keep her company and she's gonna be out most of the time!. There is no way i'm gonna have a boring day with some of that lot. Memories of my youth watching the New Year in on telly before everyone says goodnight and goes to bed at i minute after midnight come flooding back.

One of the women at work who was out on an errand rang the office yesterday to say she would be late back because she was trapped on a bus. During her journey the driver of the bus had had some sort of altercation with a car driver. It was something or nothing and when it was finished she thought nothing of it. But when the bus reached the Bus station and the driver got out of his cab, the same car appeared from nowhere and ran him over. Police and ambulance were on the scene and no-one was allowed off the bus because they were witnesses to the whole incident.
We bought our local paper tonight to read more about it. But there was no more than three lines about it in a corner of page 4 and that was that. It just said someone had been knocked over.
Local newspapers are shit for news sometimes. It's common knowledge that anything big happening locally won't appear for at least three days.

Wednesday, 14 December 2011

Dr Jeckle or Mrs Hyde

Had to buy a Carbon Monoxide detector tonight. I've had a few people suggest that my Gas fire isn't burning  correctly. The flame is a sort of Orange colour when it's supposed to be Blue apparently. But i've read up on it and there is no blackening of the elements or surrounds so i'm not sure there is anything wrong. I got the the vac out and gave everything a good clean and dust, Made sure the flu was clear and had a good ventilation and even lit some paper to make sure smoke goes up the chimney properly. But just to be certain i bought a detector.
As soon as i put the batteries in the bloody thing went off, i nearly shit myself running to open all the windows and doors to let out any invisible toxic fumes. It was like the fire alarm incident all over again.  But it suddenly went off again and a green light came on. I hadn't read the instructions. It's supposed to do that when it sets itself  up the first time you use it.
(Note to self. Read instructions first before turning new things on.)

Anyways, it's flashing green for ok now and everything seems to be ok. But i'm gonna have to get an expert out to look at it i think.

One of my bosses at work (A female) threw a real paddy this morning. I'm convinced she's mentally unstable. She's overly nice one minute but overly nasty the next. I've not been on the receiving end of the nasty side yet but i've had to witness it before.
Today though, she really did throw a proper childing tantrum, Stamping her feet, screaming at the top of her voice, banging her hands on the desk and swearing at her partner (my other boss) For what i could see was no reason whatsoever.

When she is in this mood she's like some paranoid schizo. Any sort of normal question you ask her is over analysed and translated into something critical. So a simple phrase like 'would you like me to file these invoices for you?' can be translated as a criticism of her ability to file things herself and a suggestion that she is so crap at it that you want to take things out of her hands and run the whole office instead of her because she is a useless piece of shit and you want her to die.
However, if you decide not to help and leave filing to her, this can be translated as - do it your fucking self you lazy bitch because i'm not helping you, all this work is for you to do not me. You can't win. And as much as that last bit might sound extreme, she really does think like that.

One day a collegue helping her with some figures she was trying to work out asked if she had a pen. But the way he said it must have been translated in her head as -Why haven't you got a pen?. So she replied with a scream "yes!!, i've got a fucking pen!, Do you think i'm a fucking idiot or something?.
When he replied he was only asking if she had one, She threw the pen at him and stormed off shouting 'here... have the fucking pen if you want it, i'll get my own bloody pen!!!'.  She then kicked a box across the room, slammed the photocopier top loader down and pushed the door open with such a force on her way out it left a hole in the wall where the handle caught it.
We were left looking at each other wondering what the hell that was all about. 10 Minutes later she was laughing and joking as if nothing had happened and turned back into a nice fun person who you can really get along with. It's weird.
Dr Jeckle and Mrs Hyde all rolled into one.
Her partner is a lovely bloke but she's the one in charge not him and you can tell he lives in terror of her, He tends to disappear when she's throwing a wobbler. Like a coward running away from a fight.
It's entertaining i suppose. But it's pathetic and embarrassing at the same time.

Tuesday, 13 December 2011

Book it

As i type this I'm half watching something on TV  about electronic books. Someone once lent me one of those Kindle readers for a couple of days. I think they were bored with it because i was told i didn't need to rush to return it. I can understand why.

What a horrible little plastic thing it is. I'm gonna sound like my dad here, but i like the feel and smell of a proper book. Especially a new one. I like to see how many pages I've got through and feel the satisfaction of seeing one side fill up whilst the other goes down. The weight of the thing, the texture, the sound it makes when you turn the page. The colours of the pictures. In fact everything about a book that makes it a book.
Reading a kindle was like surfing the net. I got bored after a bit. It's OK in small doses, But not for me.

Is this what happens to people as they get older ? I'll be complaining about saving my stuff on a hard drive rather than the cloud next. Bring back MP3 players that's what i say. These young 'uns don't know what they're missing.

Bit of a busy week this week. I'm trying to put up my tree, visit half a dozen relatives  to give out birthday cards (why are so many people i know born in December?) and arrange a party for this weekend ;-)))

Friday, 9 December 2011

Weak end

Heading towards the weeeeeeeekend and i'm skint again. Daniel has suggest we have some sort of christmas party at my place one week. It'll be cheaper and we don't have to leave the house.
People bring their own booze, we just provide the location and the nibbles.
If we pick the right people it could be a good laugh.
Then he spoilt the whole thing by suggesting we could make it an underwear party or single men only. I think he's pushing it towards some sort of orgy. But not at my bloody house !!.
I'm not having strangers wandering round my home, splashing fluids all over my bed sheets.
Now if it were someone elses place.....;-)

Anyways, i'm off to my mums again, so i'll be back on Sunday. Have a good weekend everybody, i'll leave you with something to look at.

Something for the weekend

Wednesday, 7 December 2011


My weekday evenings are getting boring. I sat watching telly all night last night.

I had recorded something on the history of light entertainment from earlier in the week. A famous Television Producer called Michael Hurl came on talking about Cilla Black. I'm fully aware that famous people have no idea how the rest of us live but when he said (and i quote, word for word here) "She worked like mad, she rehearsed from 9 in the morning until 5 at night,  FIVE DAYS A WEEK!"  I nearly put my foot through the screen. Imagine that eh? 9 till 5, FIVE DAYS A WEEK!!. WOW,  Now that's what i call dedication.

Then i watched something on the Banking Crisis and nearly put my foot through the telly again. RBS Chairman Fred 'the shred' Goodwin and his smarmy mush with that £300,000 a year pension paid for by the tax payer after he walked away from the bank he just banked.

So how about some light viewing instead ?. Get the porn out. That's better and little less annoying. ;-)
Except the bloody DVD player packed in half way through and i had to go on the Internet instead.
Frustration is not the word.

I had a leaflet pushed through my door earlier today for the local adult learning centre. It listed enrolment information for courses running through spring/summer 2012.
amongst those that caught my eye and made me laugh were,

Art for the terrified (£56),
Funky fabric jewellery(£22.40),
Beauty on a budget (£58.50),
Design and make a silk scarf (£21.00)  

& Blogging for beginners (no fee) LOL.
Blogging is obviously not worth paying to learn. Ha!

Tuesday, 6 December 2011

Don't read this if you are eating

Daniel rang last night and sounded like he had a peg on his nose. He's got a cold and was all bunged up.
After about 15 minutes i had to tell him i was going. He kept snooking and it was turning my stomach.
I can't handle people with snotty noses and catarrh. Especially when they do that loud snoot followed by a big swallow.
Eeerrrkkk. Worse still are the ones that spit. there is never any reason in the world to spit. I don't give a shit if you've got a gob full of acid. Don't spit in my company or i'm liable to spew up at the side of you.

I don't even like it when i'm blowing my own nose. That horrible grobb sound when you managed to clear it is about as horrible as that wa-wa thing people do trying to loosten it up. Hanky in hand, one finger over the left nostril and blow like your playing a mouth organ.
Quick change the subject i'm feeling all queer. LOL

This time last year i was preparing to go to America....Sigh... How depressing a thought is that?.

I've started wanking with talcum powder. Some people use lube, some use other lubricants, but i've discovered talcum powder. It smells better and leaves your willy all soft.
Try it, you might like it. Ha!

That would make a good survey if i could be bothered to set one up. What do you use ? or do you go dry ?.
I need something because i can be at it for ages. Holding back, then building up again to nearly there and back again. i can go on for hours if i'm alone and bored.  I'd be red raw if i didn't use something.

Do you think i'm getting a bit too personal here ?.

Monday, 5 December 2011


Stayed at my mum and dads over the weekend. I say mum and dad, it's just mums now.

By Sunday she was doing my head in. I luv here to bits but i've remembered why i don't live at home anymore. It wasn't because she wanted to talk all the time. It was more to do with the fact that she had a list of things that needed doing. I'm a replacement for my father. Any odd job that he would have done now falls on my shoulders.

But i was out on the piss on Friday and had a good old blow out with Daniel. When i got back i was sleeping in my old bedroom. It seemed weird, it always does. I wake up in the middle of the night for a piss and it feels like i've taken a step back in time. For a second i'm 15 again.

At work this morning i have been given another new guy to "induct". He's a lovely lad but slightly dim. The lights are on but no one is in, if you get my drift.
I felt like shaking him on several occasions because there seemed to be no response to anything i said. He was walking around in a dream most of the time and it seemed as thought he was on another planet. A bit like me on Saturday Morning after a Friday night out. ;-) But he's only 17 and doesn't drink so he's no excuse.

Went shopping to Asda on my way home tonight and was bombarded with over the top customer service.
"thank you for waiting sir"
"do you want any help with your packing?"
"hasn't it been cold today?"
"these are really nice arn't they?"
"would you like any cashback with that?
etc etc.
It's like having your hair cut, the nosey buggers keep asking never ending questions. Now we know what happend to all those interrigators when they shut Guantanamo Bay.
They all got jobs at Asda