Wednesday, 23 September 2009

Moving on

Play a musical instrument, write a book, learn a language.
That guitar in a charity shop had no strings and was dropping to bits so I’m gonna trudge round some of the others to find something with a keyboard. Even if I can’t actually play the damn thing I can pick out a tune with one finger so it would be a start.
I tried to write some sort of murder mystery and it was hilarious. It read like i was trying to sound like an American gangster from the 40s. Except I’m not American, or a gangster. I come from Lancashire. delete, start again. It would help if I thought of a story first mind you.
Learn a language, those cassettes where advanced part two from 11 to 20 and tapes 11,12 and 18 were missing so that’s out. I looked into night classes. £140 for 25 lessons + 3 free. and all at 4.30 in the afternoon so no chance there, i'll be at work. What i really need is a good looking french man to teach me. At least i'm trying.

Before I came out, or should I say, was dragged out. I imagined moving away to some far off place where no-one knew me so that I could make a fresh start and be who I wanted to be.
Now I am considering a move away for a new job I have the opposite dilemma.
I’m out now. People around me know and accept me (or don’t). I have friends, etc and apart from the odd situation where I just keep my head down (work) I’m ok.
If no-one asks I don’t tell. It’s not important to shout it from the rooftops anymore, but it doesn’t matter who knows either. I have been through all the shit where people make the judgement whether they are ok about it or show disapproval. The rest comes as and when the situation arises. Sometimes I’m still shocked when someone suddenly backs off after find out. Other times I’m equally surprised that someone I thought would be homophobic doesn’t give a shit.
It’s what been openly gay is all about. You don’t just come out and that’s it. It’s a continuing thing. There are times when something hits you between the eyes to remind you that not everyone is tolerant, but most days it’s at the back of my mind now.

So imagine leaving all this behind and moving to somewhere new. Starting afresh. New friends, work colleagues, Neighbours., pubs, clubs., etc. Do I have to start coming out all over again ?.
I know I’m not moving to Timbuktu or to some backward looking part of the globe, it’s just over the tops, but It will be like having to come out all over again.
And anyone who says otherwise is kidding themselves.
I imagined I would be a stronger person for being openly gay, but suddenly the thought of going back to go again is a little scary. It won't put me off, but it's food for thought.

4 comments:

Put The Lotion In The Basket said...

if it's any help, I have done it twice, similar to your circumstances and you are right, it's not easy but neither is it as hard as the first time, nowhere near and know what round three took me to I really dont give a fuck,
Good Luck, you seem like a person who just really deserves it from what I read here.
Nick

Anonymous said...

Two quick thoughts, Mambam. Most writers start out writing about what they know best, i.e. themselves. You have a moving story, just try telling it like you do on the blog.
Re possible new job - difficult decision with your doubts about another new start. But first things first, see if you like your new boss (who could be the employer from hell) and the job in general and the town (if possible ask for a quick trial, keeping your present job open. It'll mean bunking off again for a day or two). Also, he might not need you to start immediately, so time for you to reflect and look around closer to home. You've a lot going on at the moment, so it is tempting to flee, but take it easy if you can.
Sorry longer comment than I intended - hope others come up with some ideas!
Take care - Peter-D

Mambam said...

Lotion
3 TIMES !!! bloody hell, once was bad enough.

Peter.
a quick reply
I did think about my own story but to be honest it's not really something i want to go over again just yet. maybe one day, but right now i feel like i need some distance from it. Maybe if i do write something i will incorporate some of it in, but not all. It's like writing about a death of someone you love, do you really wanna go over it all again, feelings and all ? (shudder).
I like the trying out of the job bit though and am considering that one already, On Saturday morning i'm going over to find out more and one of the questions i will be asking is if the guy would let me try out for a few days maybe.

Sorry longer reply that intended LOL

drew said...

Sometimes the grass is not always greener on the other side. Why not look for a new job around where you live unless they aren't available . It's not that I think you can't handle a move but why leave the circle of friends you have now. Add to them. Just a thought.