Monday, 24 January 2011

Panic

Never slept a wink last night, but i made a New Years resolution to be positive this year so i decided not to panic just yet.
I've had another talk with my dad who said that he doesn't want to worry my mum. He had been having tests and knew a bit about it before Xmas but didn't say anything to us. He will know what the next step is on Tuesday (hopefully). But then he said that he will find out if they can do anything or how long he's got left !!!. Bloody hell.
I told him that whatever they say they have to do he's got to do it. But he's talking about quality of life after an operation and things like that. I know it sounds a bit selfish but i'd rather have him disabled than not at all. I feel sick.

Scrub that bit about being positive and not panicing, i'm panicing and not thinking positive. Half of me wants Tuesday to come as quickly as posible, another side of me wants to hope tuesday doesn't happen at all.

I rang Daniel and told him, but what can you say ?. We just sat joking about it in the end. he had a sick sense of humour and that's how he would get throught it.
My dad can be a bit like that also and i know that when i see him he'll be doing the same, but it doesn't seem funny to me. I go along with it just to keep him happy.
This is not a good start to 2011. And i'm worried about how this year is gonna pan out.

6 comments:

naturgesetz said...

Your Dad's illness is not an omen about the rest of the year (any more than it would be if you had found out about it in September. One way or another, you'll be dealing with it, of course. But you already have thought of the worst possible outcome, so the worst possible shocks are behind you. Now you face the reality.

I know what you mean about preferring to have him around but disabled than not around at all. And that means that you love him, which is certainly a good thing. I'm sure you don't want him to suffer terribly either.

The advice to use a small recording device is a good one. Failing that, your Dad could ask the doctor to write things down or take his own notes or say to the doc, "Now let be be sure I've got this straight. You're saying [paraphrase in his own words]?"

Anyway, I'm sure your Mum and Dad will find your concern a great comfort and support.

Micky said...

That is a nasty shock and no mistake.

'N' is of course quite right to counsel that one rainy day doesn't make a wet summer so just take it all one step at a time and stop worrying about all those 'what ifs' and start getting ready to help your Dad cope.

Above all else your job is to support him and your Mum. It is his life and it is her partner. If you love them both then they have to be your big concern.

Your own feelings are best kept under control.

They are going to have enough of a job dealing with themselves and each other, you know? It is they who need your help now.

Jason Shaw said...

Wow, this sure isnt the start of the year that we'd all wish for you. It's flipping hard for sure.

I hope you dont mind me saying this, but, it's perhaps a good idea to talk about the 'how much time I've got left' kinda stuff now, and what he wants for his funeral and all that kinda stuff. Get it all out in the open and then done and dusted so he can put all his thoughts and efforts in the treatment and his recovery. I know it probably sounds sick, but sometimes getting the nasty stuff out the way first, makes the good stuff more enjoyable.

It's a lot for any family to cope with, really its hard. However, its something that can be fought, beaten and won. You'll have to be strong, for him, well for them really, but also for yourself.

Know that you have an army of readers who are all wishing you the very best right now, me included. So you know, you're not alone, even if it feel like it at times.

If you need us blog, email, call or tweet and we'll be there.

Hugs xxx J

Paul said...

Encourage your Dad to make a note of questions as he thinks of them. I always come out of the Doctors and spend the next half hour wishing I'd asked this or that.

Everyone has to find their own way of dealing with this sort of stress. There are some useful websites with info on this condition. You might find it helpful to read up on it, although other people prefer to remain in ignorance.

I'm sure we're all rooting for you and your family.

drew said...

Michael,
Try to be supportive of your Dad's approach. He's is in as much shock as the rest of you. I know this is a very tough situation. I wish I had all the answers you needed. Try to be open and supportive of your Mom and Dad. I feel for you. Please keep blogging so we can offer you continued support. We all love you!!

Raver4Life said...

Hey Lovely,

I commented on your last post and had planned to send you a more personal email but just realised you don't have an address available... so here goes nothing.

I totally understand how you are feeling right now. When i turned 18 (now 21) I found out that my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer. Not being overly close to my father I didnt take it too well... Dont get me wrong- I love my dad but we never had that relationship where we could share our feelings. Until recently i didnt have that kind of relationship with any of my family.

Dad had some treatments and I remember feeling annoyed that i had to stay over with him and see him go in and come out of surgery. At the time I guess thinking back to it I had this denial where I still saw my dad as indestructible.

The operation went well and he was told that it was a success- I was smug in thinking that dad was invincible. One year down the track and the find out that they didnt manage to get it all and he needed to go in for 9 weeks of radiation. The realisation of its seriousness hit me like a ton of bricks and it made me think back to how naive I had been the year before when it all transpired. How could I have been that selfish? How would I have lived with myself knowing that I had not shown as much compassion I should have? This was a big turning point for me and I opened up more to my whole family. The biggest thing I guess i feel I need to tell you is; Dont be afraid to talk about it with your family.

By the sounds of it you aren't. But having been in that situation- don't be scared.

Remember that cancer today is not what it was even 10 years ago. New treatments are being developed all the time and people are cured of it every day. My dad is still alive and kicking- since that scare I have made this secret vow to myself to show him how much I love him every time I see him for the rest of my life.

If you EVER feel like you need to chat please please please email me- I know how difficult it can be to talk to people at times and sometimes venting your frustrations/concerns to a stranger helps enormously.

Lots of love,

DR xxooxxoo