Computer Back up and running

No time to blog, I'm testing my repaired and rejuvenated computer now that it's back in it's rightful place, on the unit, in the front room, 6 feet away from the telly that's playing in the background.
God I've missed you. Never ever go away again you little bastard.
Now then, where were we before we were so rudely interrupted.....

Dick Tate

My computer has gone down on me (i wish) . So thats why im phone blogging but im getting it back tomorrow after all the porno viruses are cleaned off my hard drive.

Got a new app for my phone today called dictation. It's a voice recognition program where you just speak and it types it out for you.
So to try it out the next bit is copied direct from that.

"As I dictated this blog entry I'm driving home from work the problem with dictating a blog entry instead of typing it is that you've got to think about what you want to say otherwise you end up with a warm air and Andy Cole comes out gobbledygook whereas when you type out the blog entry you can think about what you're going to say as you go along and collect things easily on the other hand it will be interesting to see whether it can translate the words shaped fork bollocks and hairy moles"

It doesn't really work does it ?

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Lasagne sandwich ! Why ?

Yuk !!


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Sexual positions

Whats the best thing about screwing a guy?When you reach around you think you've gone all the way through.

That was An SMS text message joke sent to me today by a friend.

Probably because I'm the only gay person she knows.
I didn't reply because I didn't have my phone with me at the time and was busy working anyway so I hadn't read it yet.

Then I got another text message later asking if i thought it was offensive.

And later still a call to say sorry for sending it.

Bloody he'll some women are paranoid.

Besides I don't do reach around, I like to be face to face. Hetero people have one image of gay men having sex and it's rarely the way I screw.

I know one gay friend who will not and never has had anything up his arse.
And Daniel once told me he's not a big fan of testicles LOL.

To late now boy. Chin up.

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Phone sex

At the top end of my satellite receiver there are dozens of porn channels and a string of phone sex shows where you get some topless slapper sat with a phone in here hand trying to entice a hapless guy to part with £1.50 a minute whilst wacking of & chatting to her about dirty knickers or something.

I'll never understand why, not just from a gay point of view, more for the £1.50 a minute point of view.

I don't see any queer versions of it, probably cos you could find millions of gay men willing to talk filth for free anywhere you like.

In fact if you think about it you can probably get someone to have gay sex for free easily and anyone looking to make a porn film would get a string of men willing to perform for zilch as long as you weren't fussed about looks or hygiene.

It's a wonder male prostitution still exists in this day & age. Gaydar is the napster of the rent boy world me thinks.

Anyway the reason I write this is because I've been pissing myself laughing at what women think is sexy for men.
Talking in a deep raspy voice and bobbing up and down grinning like a mad woman at the camera. Heterosexuality makes laugh sometimes.

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Scruff bags

Phone blogging for a bit. It might not look pretty but its words.

Thanks for your comments by the way. I do hear you and will take your advice. I just can't work out how to reply to comments via my phone yet.

I'm single again by the way.
To much time spent on sorting Daniel out and not enough on him. In the end he found someone else to screw. Or should that be he found someone else to screw him.
That reminds me of the most cutting put down I ever heard from a mate dumping his boyfriend.

"you were getting a bit slack anyway" ouch!

I've been on gaydar a bit as well to drowned my sorrows. All I get are fellas in their 40s.
Not actually taken the plunge mind you. I'm still listed as living in Manchester so anyone interesting is miles away.
I'm told I should try grindr for my mobile but I'm only flirting and looking for cheap thrills. The fact that guys live too far away makes me think again. If I could see someone online who lived 100 yards away I might not think before I leap.
Saw a guy in the shop this week who looked as fit as fuck. As he walked past I got a really bad whiff of BO.
He stunk. There is a downside to hot weather. I felt like chasing after him and sticking some deodorant in his pocket.

Beauty and cleanliness don't always seem to go hand in hand. Some of the prettiest people I know are scruffy bastards.
you imagine smelly old men and fresh clean you guys but from my experience it's usually the other way round. (not that I've had any old men).

Quick Update to the update

I have a few minutes spare, so for anyone who still looks in on this blog i thought i would let you know what happened.

The guy was ok in the end. In fact he seemed to make a bit of a miraculous recovery from what i hear. which seems strange because one minute they are making out he's in serious condition, the next he's out of hospital. WTF ?. You don't get better that quick surely ?.

He doesn't wanna press charges or take things further for three reasons. 1. he was a bit of a twat and well known to the police, so, neither he nore his family wanna say anything. 2 he's also on some sort of parole after being involved in a violent incident himself in the not to distant past. and 3. Getting battered by a queer doesn't help your street cred very much.

It's not as simple as all that of course because the police are already involved and you can't just tell them to forget it and lets all pretend it never happened shall we ?. I know no more because i haven't spoken to Daniel about it for weeks now. It's sort of something he doesn't wanna talk about. So everything i have written above could be bullshit and he might be on the verge of being locked up with the bad men next week for all i know.

But as a side issue (not really) it has also come to light that Daniel is in massive debt. He's run up a few credit cards and owes thousands. I wouldn't mind but it's not as if he's got anything to show for it. The stupid twat. No big holidays, flash car, big house, cloths and jewelry for him. NO, this idiot just frittered it away on nothing. A night out here, a meal there, some new Jeans, Cheap Christmas or birthday presents for people. Maybe the odd DVD or some Shit off Ebay.

Then he pays the minimum on the card and it builds up from there. Its not as if i ever saw him flashing the cash. How did that ever happen ? It's thousands !.

Anyway with the help of his mum and dad, he's sorting this out with an IVA (individual Voluntary Arrangement) to pay it back sometime between now and forever.

They aint paying it for him, he is. so that's his life fucked for a few years. If he doesn't end up going to prison of course.

On one hand i feel sorry for him, on the other i'm really angry.

But probably not for the reason i should be.

I'm annoyed that i'm supposed to be his best mate and i didn't know. He didn't say anything to me and i never had a clue.

From a selfish point of view i feel like i've been lied to and considered less of a friend.

I know i'm not, but you get the idea. If you found out your best mate had a secret side to him that he never told you about, how would you feel ?.

Hang on a minute that last line touched a cord. !

Update

To much happening no time to blog right now. The guy is ok, Daniel is ok but there are other things he needs to sort out as well. I knew there would be more and it involves money.
Will return to blogging when things settle down a bit,
but for now I need to take a break.

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Found him

Had daniel knocking on my door tonight, he came across on the bus!.
Really worried. He was in a right state. He's been ignoring all calls to his mobile, including his mum.
no news of the condition of the guy he smacked but I told him he's not dead and we need to go back and sort this out.
Apparently there is more but he won't tell me about it. He looked like he's been crying.
Have called his parents and we are going back over when he gets outta my shower.


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Drama

Houston we have a problem.
As amazing as this may sound we have a situation unfolding here.
Daniel has punched someone outside a pub. Some guy was being abusive with a couple of his mates, a row followed that turned into a small fight.
Unfortunatly one punch from Daniel knocked the guy to the floor where he banged his head.
The latest info we have is that the guy is in intensive care and Daniel has gone missing thinking he's killed him.
I can't believe I'm writing this, it sounds like something from a film.
More to follow when I hear it.



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Smelly weather

It's amazing how a bit of sun can cheer you up.
It's been a scorcher this weekend and ben is burnt to a cinder. I tan quite easily if I could be bothered to sit in it, but I don't.

It's also a bit hot and sticky having sex in this weather. Not that it shouldn't always be, but I'm touching noone in this heat until they've had a shower first Lol. That's my OCD kicking in again.

On saturday night the smells were overpowering. I didn't mind the fellas, most of them just overdid the deoderant but the women were horrendous. Half of them must have had a bath in perfume before they came out, and it was that horrible floral flowery type stuff. Eeeurrgh my gag reflex was struggling to cope at times. Ladies, a little is nice, a lot just stinks.

I've been lucky enough to get out of the office today. Normally I'm sat sweating my arse off indoors on hot days and out when it pisses it down. But not this time.

Then I stood in some dog shit and no matter what you do it's permanant. I could hardly breath in the car.
Fucking dog owners!.

Ben is gonna stop at my place over the upcoming bank holiday weekend.
Let's see if we can live together for three days and still like each other afterwards.


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I spy

ben is sometimes toooooo quiet.

One to one he's fine but in company he seems to drift into the background. I don't mean he doesn't get involved, he just doesn't speak unless someone asks him something. It's like he's not there.
Also, he can turn off when he's Reading. A bomb could go off and he wouldn't notice it. I on the other hand get distracted easily so need peace and quiet when I'm Reading. I don't want the telly on or anyone flitting around me.

He can have music playing and an electric drill running and it wouldn't bother him, it's like he's in his own little world.
We are like chalk and cheese. I just hope it works to our advantage rather than the other way around.

Just missed a couple of fit looking lads on bikes ride past with their tops off. Nice bodies, a bit to many tats for my liking but certainly eye candy. Why am i'm I never ready with my camera when that happens?.
Actually thinking about it would I have dared take a picture ?.

I could do with some of those spy glasses, they look like an ordinary pair of specs but have a hidden camera in the nose bit. When you see something nice you touch a switch by your ear and it captures the image. Or did I just dream this exists?.

Another day another dime

Ryan has a spot on his chin and he's picked it overnight, you couldn't really see it yesterday but today it looks like a bullet hole. He was trying to get rid of it but just made it worse, he might as well have coloured it in with a felt tip pen. Reminds me of my teens.

Kath , one of the women in the office , accidently put her mobile phone in the wash. It had a full 2 hour cycle, spin and dryer and fell in bits. The sim card was rescued from the filter and the back of the case appeared in a pair of knickers.
She brought all the bits to work today and asked if anyone could fix it for her.
Everyone laughed but helped put it back together like a jigsaw puzzle. We switched it on and the bloody thing worked !!!!
Well done Nokia.

I'm getting the dead eye from someone at work, he hasn't said anything or done anything so I can't actually complain about him but I can smell a homophobe a mile off and I suspect he doesn't like me for some reason.
Maybe I'm just being paranoid.

You can't win can you ?

Im starting to feel tired now. To many late nights. I'm going to bed early but not sleeping. I know what your thinking but it's not for that reason.
I just can't sleep with someone else there. He's too hot. And I'm not talking hot as in hot!!! I mean he's like a hot radiator.
Then he whistles when he breaths and any movement wakes me up.

Last night I had to ask him to face the other way because I could feel his breath in my ear. Lol it's pathetic isn't it?. But he's one of these people who just shuts their eyes and in seconds they are unconcious. I'm different, I can even find myself getting out of bed to straighten some shoes if they ain't put away properly. otherwise it annoys me and I'm thinking about it all the time. I must have that OCD. anyway I'll have to get used to it. I think.

I'm getting a bit stupid with my new phone, ben told me I'm obsessed with it, and thinking about it I probably am at the moment. I'm using stupid apps for everything.

I now know that it takes 32 mins and 48 seconds to get from my front door to work in the morning and can show a map of the route, I can watch sky news whilst having a shit, check my lotto numbers, read my emails in the bath and I know my bmi is ok. I can tell the phone to play music without pressing buttons and I know which way is north should I ever get lost. Another app will show me where the nearest pub is even though I know where it is anyway and I'm getting red hot at darts and snooker.
I
just spent 10 minutes of my tea break tossing an imaginary piece of paper into an imaginary dustbin and downloaded another app that will help me find my car again when I park it somewhere. And worst of all I do the very thing that annoys me when others do it. I have conversations with people without actually paying attention and looking up from my phone. They talk and I just tap away and Say yes. It's as if I'm on drugs or something.
Ridiculous, but fun.

The novelty will wear off soon, it always does.

Blogging on the move

The boss is on holiday this week so it's a bit more free and easy in the office for a change.
And with a bit of luck he'll get stuck abroad because of the ash cloud.

Actually I don't really hope that happens, the place falls apart when he's not here, there is a sudden whiff of anarchy about and people stop working and start pissing around. Thats ok for about five minutes then it gets on my tits. You can't get on with your own work and I crave someone with a bit of authority to settle people down again.

There was a game of football taking place in the canteen about an hour ago and the noise was appaling.
Perhaps I'm turning into a boring old fart but when I'm at work I wanna work. I like it to be fun and a happy atmosphere but not like a Saturday night out.

I think I might have got this phone blogging cracked.
All I need to do is upload a couple of pictures and I can access that post on my phone to add the text bit to.
I phones are ace for typing, you get a proper keyboard and I can type as normal. I could do with smaller fingers though I feel like I have sausages for fingers.

I wonder if anyone has ever tried typing a blog with their cock?.

sunday

Now we don't wanna be losing the pictures do we ?.

His name is ben, I was actualy after his mate initially but he made it quite clear that he fancied me more than his mate did. Of course flattery gets you everywhere in this world so I quickly lost interest in his mate and latched on to him.

He's 24, blonde (but surprisingly not dumb), curly/wavey hair, smooth chest, fantastic teeth, greenish eyes, and one of those cocks that look tiny when soft but get a he'll of a lot bigger when he gets all excited, lol!. And thin as well, not fat, more like a cigarette than a cigar.

That last bit sounded like a gaydar profile didn't it?. Anyway when you ignore the looks you find he's sweet and quiet and reads books and is a bit shy and is slightly backwards when it comes down to the ways of he world.

He's only ever slept with one other guy and it wasn't really anything more than a quick fummble aparently. Ahh bless him. I certainly changed all that !!!!!! Snigger :-))
He lives in a dump and has no transport so it's easier for me to go to him than the other way around, that way I don't have to take him home afterwards.

It's still early days I suppose, we might fall out and hate each other by the end of next week (well we are a couple of homosexuals after all) but for now let's just see.

In the mean time, keep your fingers crossed for me.

Test post

I'm not gone, I haven't been run over and I haven't forgotten about blogging
I've sort of found someone and as you can imagine it leaves less time to blog when your just shagging all the time.
You may have noticed I'm posting this from my phone.
That's because I'm spending more time at his place than I am at mine.
I've downloaded an app that let's me blog on the move so I might try do more.
Did I tell you I got a new phone?. Boys and toys, I don't know who I love most him or this!.
Anyway stand by for some test posts. I have no idea how it will look on the page, I'll have to check later when I'm home.



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Voting in the UK Elections

I stopped off on my way home from work to vote today.

Strangely there has been nothing political on the TV or the Radio all day (bliss). Someone told me that they are not allowed to on the actual day of the election, I can't think why, but it didn't seem to include the papers because they were pulling out all the stops.

If i'm honest it just got up my nose. I hate someone telling me what to do and especially in such a sledgehammer way. Give me the details and let me decide. According to the Murdoch press if i don't vote Conservative the world will end on Friday morning and we will have riots in the street, But they told us all to vote Labour last time so what do they know?.
The Daily Mirror (A proper Labour paper) think i should avoid David Cameron because he's a posh knob, but they would do wouldn't they ? and i'm sick of the class thing being thrown around at times like this.
No one supports The Liberals, or at least i've not seen any paper that does, and anyway a vote for them is supposed to be a waste.

So all in all it's hardly a surprise that they are predicting a hung parliament where no one wins and we all end up doing it again in a few months time. That's probably why i heard someone leave the polling station saying "see you again soon"

Anyway i walked into the hall where throngs of people could flex their voting muscles. The place was empty, no one around except three blokes sat behind a trestle table with bits of paper. Me appearing out of nowhere made them sit up like a dog suddenly realising their owner has just come home.
There are two ballot sheets. The Main General Election and the Local Government elections which are being held at the same time.

They couldn't find my Local Election Ballot paper for a while and more or less shit themselves with worry.
It eventually appeared stuck to someone else's and you could see the relief on their faces as they apologised for what seemed like the three hundredth time.

The private cubical that people use to vote in was actually quite dark and i had to step out of it again to read the bloody thing. I wondered why i was putting my X to paper with what looked like a pencil not a pen and imagined someone with a rubber and a proper pen fishing the papers back out of the box again when i left and fiddling them.

I cheated, i didn't actually vote for a person i voted for a party. I looked down the list and found the one i wanted and stuck an X next to it. Thinking about it afterwards i'm not really sure whether it was for a man or a woman, how bad is that ?.

All that time spent trying to find out who i should vote for and the one thing i didn't do was find out who the bloody candidate is.
Still, it's done now.

The one thing i am looking forward to is the end to this intro (below) to a serious late night political TV show on BBC One.
Every time it appears i cringe with embarrassment. I consider it the most horrendous, buttock clenching, watch from behind the sofa, introduction to a political review show.....EVER !!!.

And they say the electorate isn't taking this election serious enough.

Yesterdays News

Times up. At last the general election is upon us and i've got to decide who i'm gonna vote for today.The newspapers are going mad and using every bit of ammo they can to try persuade us to follow their choice. We've even got Simon Cowell in on the act. LOL.
What does Susan Boyle think i should do ?, that's what i want to know.

Weekend Catch up

Had a really busy weekend so no time for blogging.

I have said this before and i'll say it again, if you have nothing to do you have nothing to blog about. If you do have something to do, you have no time to blog about it.

Actually some of it was X rated so i'm not telling you about it anyway (his name is Robert ;-))
But Daniel and i did manage to get away in the car over the bank holiday weekend.
Where did we go ?.
Whitby !. Yes Fucking Whitby!.
We set off in the car, headed for the coast and ended up in the least exciting place you could imagine for anyone under the age of 75. It wasn't planned, we just pointed the car in that direction and stopped when we saw the sea.
Never mind we decided to drive further down the coast afterwards to the even less exciting Scarborough.

If you don't live in the UK you might not know that i live in a sort of central area of Britain. This means that the coast is more or less the same distance East or West.
From previous experience the West (Blackpool etc) seems to be a little downmarket and rough, so we thought we would give the other side a go this time.
And it was different. Not exactly up market. But somewhere you mum and dad might like to go.
So for future reference and a note to self. Avoid the east coast until your over 40. The west may be a scruffy down market dump but you've more chance of getting drunk, high on drugs, shag anything that looks at you and catch fleas, but that's a much more fun weekend i find.

That funeral i went to was brilliant !. Probably the not the best way do describe a funeral i suppose but i've never been to one like that before.
It was a non religious occasion because he didn't believe in god so this guy got up and just talked about him for about half an hour in what seemed more like a comedy routine.
There were hundreds of people there, i didn't know he knew that many people. And everyone was laughing and smiling. No one cried (well maybe a bit afterwards) but most of the time it was happy memories about a funny man.
Religious funerals tend to be a bit reverent. they go on forever and from what i can tell they seem to have less to say about the person who dies and everything about god. Everyone tends to whisper all the time and there is lots of crying. God forbid someone cracks a smile (excuse the pun).

This one seemed to concentrate on the guy who had just snuffed it and then finished with a sort of...'Oh and by the way, he's dead'
I was pissing myself laughing all the way through.
Better still there were no hymns or singing, and no prayers, we were in and out in no time. I'm not sure that last sentence sounds very respectful, but i'm pretty sure he would have approved of it. To be honest it could have gone on longer for me, because it was very entertaining and i'm ashamed to admit i quite enjoyed it. Perhaps not the best thing to say to my auntie afterwards mind you (oops), but you get the idea.

I'm not sure they went the whole hog and dumped him in a skip round the back afterwards like he requested but when it was all over everyone went to the pub and got pissed.

As we left the pub about an hour and a half later there was a man and woman dancing to the Locomotion and a granny showing he knickers doing a sort of french style Can Can. LOL.

It was more like a wedding reception than a funeral.