Hi Jacked

Got a call from Jack today. He was sitting in his car having lunch and thought he would ring me to have a chat whilst i was on my lunch break.

Nice thought, but i was out with Rachel in a cafe at the time and i had a choice, ignore her and chat to him for 30 minutes, or fob him off and sound like i don't want to speak to him.
Rachel being Rachel, all this was taken out of my hands because she hijacked the phone to introduce herself and then took the opportunity to quiz him on everything about himself.

So there was i sat in silence listening to both of them chatting away with her doing her investigative journalist routine.
When she reached the part where she was asking him what i am like in bed i snatch the phone back and took charge again. After the call and in retaliation i started asking intimate details about her new boyfriend.
The great thing about Rachel is that she has no shame and will answer any question asked. Apparently he is very good in bed, has a big one and has a tongue that would make a snake proud.

'it's one of those willies that look really big but doesn't grow much. it just gets harder. My last boyfriends was tiny when soft, then got big later, so i nearly shit myself when i saw his in the beginning, i thought that'll be huge when it grows up'

After we had finished chatting and i was about to go back to work she once again left me with a short sentence that left me laughing to myself all afternoon.

'Yesterday i had a Cornish pasty for my lunch and i must have dropped most of it down my cleavage because when i took my bra off last night half the bloody thing fall out from between my tits. I thought i had a skin complaint the amount of shit there was, talk about saving it for later..'.

The First record i ever bought

Nothing happening today so i nearly didn't bother posting anything at all. After you read this you might wish i hadn't bothered.

I heard a few people lying on the radio that Thriller was the first record they ever bought . I say lying, because i just find it a coincidence that when someone dies, suddenly people come out of the woodwork as ardent fans, yet last week no one could give a shit.

Anyways what was the first record i ever bought ?. Actually i use the word 'record' very loosely because it was really a cassette single bought at Woolworths. LOL.
Oh the shame of it. I think i was about 9 or 10 and i remember it was the video rather than the music that turned me on... No i can't do it, i hate it when people diss their past. I confess, i loved the music as well, playing it constantly until one day the machine chewed it up. Our neighbours kids Emma and Kyle would come round and we would re enact the whole thing. I blush as i write this. It's as shameful a thing as anything else i have ever done in my life.
I can see that my fascination with the video might have been a prequel to future thoughts in life, but Peter Andre ?

Someone shoot me.

Dinner date

Not a spectacular night last night but certainly an enjoyable one.

We first went for a drink and then on to a meal at about 8.30, That's pretty early for me to be eating, but i was starving so i was glad in the end. I say pretty early because once i have eaten that's it, drinking is more or less over for the night. It has little effect and I'm so full i sip rather than guzzle (LOL).
This worked to my advantage because it kept me at a good level of consciousness and i didn't make a Pratt of myself. He was driving so only had one drink and i was on wine most of the night (not my usual tipple) so i was just a little fresh.

The main thing i got out of his life story is that he is Bisexual, not Gay.
He didn't say that, He tried to make out that he had been in the closet and was just coming out. I have decided it otherwise. He has had girlfriends in the past but always fancied men. He hasn't had any boyfriends and most of his relationships with guys have been on more of a friendly basis.
It seems that his job took him away from home and he now has his own place. This has allowed him to explore a side of his sexuality that he would never have dared open the door to if he was still living at home with his family. When i asked him what he had discovered by exploring his other side, he said that he liked men more that he imagined he would. At one point he thought it was just sexual. He could never see himself actually having a relationship with another man. But over time he has had different ideas in that direction and changed his views on women. He still fancies them sexually, but after trying a few times he finds that his feelings towards women are those that he thought he had for men. He finds them sexually attractive, but wouldn't want to marry one and struggled having relationships in the past.

I'm not sure what to make of all this. I suspect from our conversation that he is just bisexual. He has tried the full on hetero relationship and it didn't work, so he is now looking to dip his toe into trying the other side by having some sort of relationship with a gay man to see if that is what he is.
I say dip his toe into a gay relationship because he doesn't want to be coming out to his family and friends.

Anyways after all this heavy stuff we did have a few laughs, i did have a great time and he is a really nice person. Yes, i did take him home, and yes he did stop the night.
But i decided early on that was gonna happen, not because it might be something he was looking for. I just fancied him and went for it (as usual).
There is no better feeling than skin against skin and it seems like ages since i had that feeling.

Today i feel OK about it all. I'm up for a meet again and so is he. It won't be today, or tomorrow, perhaps later in the week. We are taking it slow, no string and nothing heavy.
I'm happy with that. Maybe this will work for me as much as him. My main problem with relationships tends to be that i feel smothered. If i am honest i quite like the idea of someone who can only see me now and then. Because although i want a relationship with a guy, i only want to see them every now and then as well.

I suppose the bottom line to all this is that both of us are trying it out. I'm not gonna over analyze this particular thing, i just wanna take it as it comes (if you'll excuse the pun)

Jack your body

Meeting Jack at 7.30 for a night out, which seems a bit early to me.
A meal, a Drink and a chance to find out more about him. I have decided not to sleep with him on the first date, but i always think that and i have just tidied up my bedroom and put clean sheets on the bed so what does that tell you?.
It's only a precaution you understand.

Now what's the weather gonna be like ?, do i wear something casual and skin tight, or will i need a umbrella (ella, ella) and big coat ?.
Such are the problems with living in the UK. One minute it can be glorious sunshine, seconds later it can be pissing it down.

I started getting ready an hour ago, by ironing my cloths and tidying round. I don't normally take so long. I can be out of the door from start to finish in 30 minutes usually, and that includes a breakfast, wash, shave, shower and complete change of cloths.

But if there is a special reason to be going somewhere i piss about for ages, trying on different tops and buggering about in draws looking for something i haven't bothered wearing for ages. This tends to build up the night into something more than it should be. The best nights i have ever had out on town are the ones where nothing was planned and we went in our scruffs straight from work for one drink that turned into several more.

Unplanned moments are always better that arranged evenings.

You don't have time to think of them and it's more casual. All i can think at the moment is, i wonder what tonight will bring?

Michael Jackson RIP

Just before i was about to hit the sack last night there was a news report that Michael Jackson had been taken to hospital after having a cardiac arrest.

For the next couple of hours i sat transfixed to the screen watching the story unfold and i don't really know why.

There was nothing really to see and most of the time it was just people repeating the same thing over and over again.

At one point you could tell that the newsreader knew he was dead and wanted to be the first to report it. But they were so reluctant, in case they were wrong that they had to resort to sledgehammer hinting.

This resulted in weird reporting along the lines of "we must stress that the official line is that Michael Jackson has been taken to hospital after collapsing at home, we cannot confirm or deny this.........(then) tributes are already coming in and we have Uri Geller on the line, 'what WAS Michael Jackson actually like Uri?'
All very sad, but just like when Princess Diana died we now have the spectacle of those people who take things to the extreme. I think we all know what i am talking about here. I have to turn off my telly sometimes.
I feel that this event is gonna get out of hand pretty quickly and by Monday we will have fans committing suicide and people who never met him wailing in the streets.

Date or no Date

I always go to pieces in the presence of someone i fancy. If your ugly and i don't particularly care for you we would probably get on great. I feel relaxed, confident and can chat away fine to anyone with the face like the back end of a bus.

But if your pretty and i fancy the pants off you, i get all tong tied and embarrassed. I say stupid things and will at some point or other make a complete arse of myself in such a way that I'll spend the rest of the week thinking about it and cringing.

Jack has this effect on me already. He rang tonight to check if i had given him the right number. We chatted for about an hour. During this hour i managed to show myself up many times. And the more i did it, the worse i got. It was like being in a Ricky Gervais sketch.

Eventually i decided that i had been doing all the talking and perhaps it would be best if i just shut the fuck up and let him speak.

He actually comes from Halifax, where most of his family still live, but he works as a rep for a company South of Manchester and has a house near his works. weekdays he stays there but Weekends he usually goes home for the odd night to keep in touch with friends and family. He wondered though if i would prefer just going for a meal and a drink (on him) to a restaurant he knows on Saturday or Sunday. He will pick me up at home and drop me off afterwards at the end of the night.
'Yeh', i said casually, 'that sounds good'. Inside though, I'm not quite as casual, I'm thinking to myself, Yeeehhh! that sounds fucking brilliant !

It shouldn't be funny, but it is

Who's idea was it to call them this then ?

http://www.schindlerlifts.co.uk/

Job Hunt

Got a few replies to my job applications today. All saying more or less the same thing.
Thanks, but not thanks.

Another man in my dreams

I have seen someone i fancy. Yes i know what your thinking , not again.

He was in the cafe with another bloke at lunch time and said hello. I had seem him around but didn't really know him. Although like a pillock i spent the first few seconds of the conversation wracking my brain trying to think of his name and who he was, without actually asking him out right. Then he reminded me that we had never actually spoken before but he had seen me in Manchester a couple of times with Daniel.
His name is Jack. He is about 6ft with Short dark brown/black cropped hair, about my age i think, slim (bordering on skinny actually, he'll have to do something about that), blue/grey eyes, nice luscious lips, Great skin with one little spot just above his top lip, very attractive, oh, and he has fantastic teeth. I'm not sure if he just has a great suntan or if he is actually of mixed race, It's not a question you ask on a first meet is it ?. I also avoided asking how big his penis was and whether he was top of bottom, LOL.

We chatted for a couple of minutes about crap and then when i thought things were going well i suggested he came out with us next time. He said he would like that so continuing in my idiotic mode i also suggested he comes with us this weekend on one of our legendary party nights. (legendary? what was i saying?)
This went down well and we exchanged numbers to arrange a time and where to meet this Saturday night. It all happened a bit suddenly really. 30 minutes before he was just a memory of someone i had seen about in Mancs, 35 minutes later i have his mobile number and a meet arranged for Saturday night.
Now comes the tricky bit. I'm skint, and there is no party on Saturday night. Daniel is going to Leeds (long story, don't ask) and i have built up a night out with us as something more than it actually is.

I can't ask him if he wants to drink local, that would be a good start wouldn't it ?. 'Fancy a night out in Oldham Jack ?'. not exactly Las Vegas is it?.
I can't invite him round here on a first meet either, that would seem a bit too obvious and I'm trying to avoid that kind of thing for a change anyway. Lets find out if he's another nutter or not first.
I can't afford a night out in Mancs either at the moment so what to do ?.
First impressions are important. I don't want to look a pillock now do i ?
(have you noticed this post is full of questions ?. There goes another one, see.)
Anyways. I need to stay calm, cool a collective. No going mad this time, Keep my knickers on and try not to give the wrong signals.

What are the chances of that happening ? (there you go look, another question.)

Dark Thoughts or mind of a male ?

On TV Last night there was a Documentary about gang rape. When i saw it in the TV listings in the morning my brain said to itself. Mmmm must watch that.

Now I'm pretty sure that you are not supposed to repeat thoughts like this in public but i did actually think (only for a few seconds, honest) that it might be titillating. I in no way mean that i find it acceptable, Good grief NO!. But something in me added this program to a list of others worth watching. And if i am honest, all for entertainment value. So why ?
If i flick from one TV channel to another and i catch a glimpse of some flesh, it immediately makes me stop for a minute to see what it's all about. But i know I'm not the only person who does that. Would those same people specifically make a mental note to watch a documentary on Gang Rape ?.
In the end i didn't watch it because the more i thought about it the more i questioned my motives for wanting to watch it in the first place. I felt a bit ashamed of myself.

Perhaps i should be careful of the things i write about on this blog, just defecating anything that crosses my mind as i sit here might be dangerous. Then again, maybe we all think things that shame us and I'm just saying stuff that shouldn't be repeated out loud. On the other hand, it could be that it just says more about me than even i would like to know.

Other thoughts : Do people still buy Mucky Books ?. If so why ?

Truce ?

The neighbour from hell said hello tonight. It wasn't really an hello, more of a mumble of acknowledgment. He was sat on the step outside his flat smoking a fag.

Is he warming to me or did he just mistake me for someone else ?.

This has happened before and the next day it's back to hostilities again so I'm not holding my breath.

Boyfriend material

I met Rachel for Lunch again today. She says she has a new boyfriend and showed me a picture. I was very impressed. Then we got down to all the details. He is a trainee joiner, is 19, has a very fit body and is hung like a horse. LOL.
And they say women are just looking for personality. Well in Rachel's case this is true, but they must also have the added bonus of being attractive, have a good fit body and be brilliant in bed.
I can't wait to meet him in the flesh.

There is something about a good looking hetero guy that interests me. I know of other Gay men who feel the same. It's not that i want to get them into bed -perhaps in my dreams- but there is something different about them. Maybe because they are out of your reach is what fascinates me, or perhaps it's not feeling like you have to try because you know you have no chance.

When i came out one of the first gay friends i had was a guy called Steve. He had this thing about trying to get hetero men to have sex with him. All his porn was hetero, and he wasn't actually interested in anyone who he knew was gay. In the end i went off him because he seemed like a bit of a predator.
He would try hit on, or be suggestive with, any guy he fancied, including my straight mates, and they didn't like it. I still don't know how he didn't get decked, perhaps it was because he was built like a brick shit house and was well equipped enough to defend himself.

Later in the afternoon there was a fire in the office. It wasn't a big one, in fact it was more smoke than fire. Some electrical equipment started smouldering and one of the women went into panic mode and pressed the fire bell.
In the event of a major incident in future i assume we will all do the same as we did today. Walk slowly to the door, taking our cups of tea with us, perhaps the odd person going for a wee on the way out.

Dads Day

I went to see my dad yesterday. It was fathers day, you have to.

He was all jolly sat outside in the back garden, happy in the sun. All the family were there, the dog was running round out of control as usual and whenever anyone arrived he would weeing on them out of excitement. It was like the old days. But something was missing. You can't recapture that happiness can you ?. Our family has always been a sarcastic one. We always poke fun of each other. Not in an evil way, just joking. It's difficult to describe it. We can say insulting things to each other that no one else could do. We know where to draw the line and know what is funny and what isn't, because we have been doing it since birth.

But now no one knows what to say, It's as if the life has been sucked out of the family, we can't joke the same.

Dad was nice and we spoke and laughed, mum was over the moon that we were all together again. But no-one stopped as long as they used to. there wasn't as much laughter as there was in the past and the conversations were a little more stale and serious.

I can't decide whether it was a good day or not. I came away feeling happy and sad at the same time.

Freemasons Heartbreak Make me a dancer

Memories of last night

Party People make me happy

Although there was lots of drink flowing at this barbecue i managed to behave myself.
Lets face it barbecue's aren't really about the food are they ?. Well not the ones i have ever been to anyway. Burnt sausages and burgers dressed with salad in a bun splattered with tomato sauce is less inviting than a bottle of Bud. Besides i can't eat and drink at the same time. It's one or the other, and the eating part has to follow the drinking. I can't go for a meal and then a drink afterwards. It's drink first, food last.
If i ever do it the other way round i can't get drunk and i feel full before the night starts.

Anyway tonight i ignored the food altogether and went straight for the drink. I didn't really know the hosts, i was just going along for the ride. It was Daniel who got the invite and he decided to take me. There were women as well as guys at this party and the age range i would say ran from about 17 to 30 so inevitably there was at least one fight, Something got broken, a couple of people falling over, a girl getting her tits out for the lads and a certain amount of illegal substances.
The garage stunk to high hell and everyone in there seemed to look like they were high as hell too.
Ian was at the party, which was of no surprise to me. I don't ever actually see him selling his stuff and if i'm honest i don't often see him taking it either. But you would have to be an idiot not to know he is the one providing the Doosh and you can tell when he is up and when he is down.

Daniel bent over a table to get another bottle and Ian came up behind him and pretended to shag him up the arse. Then he moved on as if nothing had happened. He's in his own little world sometimes.

My mouth stopped working by about midnight and i was struggling to speak normal language, that's how alcohol effects me. Inside i was OK and quite eloquent, but my lips just gave in. It might also have been something to do with the big green cake that we were all eating. It wasn't any ones birthday and we were only allowed a certain sized slice if you get my drift. If it were a wine i would say it was an amusing little number, well it made me piss myself laughing afterwards anyway. Small childish jokes become the greatest comedy material ever told, and a feeling of happiness filled the air. I had a snog with a guy i think i liked but he was well gone as well so he might be waking up this morning wondering what i was like too.

Then i remember we danced a bit, played with some bubbles that someone had brought -don't ask me why- and fell asleep in the front room with lots of other people.
When i woke up i was sleeping next to a hairy bloke with a beard that had some of last nights food in it and a little bit of saliva dribbling down one side, eeeirggghh, he stunk of sweat as well, eeeeeeeiiiiiirrrrggghhh!.

It was quite funny to see all the pretty people from the night before looking all bed head and evil eyes. You can look a mess anytime, but when you add that just woke up strange eyes thing that people get, it changes them completely.

Anyway it was a good one. All that was missing was a shag. It seems like forever since i last climbed into bed with someone. I don't want to come across as a slapper, but my right hand can only do so much, there is something missing, and a nice toned smooth body wouldn't go amiss............ excuse me i have something else i need to do right now rather than blog.

Brace yourself i feel a party coming on

Ok it's party time again, weekend is here and i have decided to stop being miserable and let my hair down.
Tonight i am going with Daniel to a barbecue. I don't know the person who is hosting this little get together, or who will be there. It could be a group of old people, it could be a wild sex party. All i know is that i am in one of my moods and i am determined to enjoy it one way or another. If it's shit we will come away early and head into Mancs, or perhaps nip into an off licence and buy some cheap booze before coming home and having our own little party.

After i finish typing this I'm gonna soak in the bath for an hour, get my glad rags on, and head out into the night looking for something to write about tomorrow on this blog other than whoooo, poor me, look i might lose my job, what will i do ?.

Pull yourself together man, it's the weeeeeeeekkkkeeeennnddd ! and we all know what weekends are for don't we?.
;-)

Pretty People

Nasty people

I have decided the world is full of arse holes (did i spell that right Vilges?).
Some of the people i have met today were horrible. You would have thought i had come to sell them double glazing or steal their money. You know that look you get when someone takes an instant dislike to you, even though you haven't even spoken yet ?.

Well i have had a never ending run of these people today. The odd one or two were nice, but most were horrible. On the other hand, maybe i am just as judgemental, I got a creepy guy in an office offered me a cup of tea and invite me in for a few minutes. He was all sweaty and fat and something about him seemed strange. He asked me what type of work i was looking for and if i could use a typewriter.
Yes a real typewriter!. He said he was an accountant, but i didn't see anyone else in his office and i didn't see any computers either. The cup of tea was half full and i could see brown rings round the inside, as if it hadn't been washed properly and he was being far to nice for my liking, so i made an excuses and moved on.

I then met a really nasty woman who shouted at me for just coming in her office and asking if they had any jobs, and at the end of the day when i had dished out a pile of CVs i got the impression that nothing will come of it. In fact i didn't really see anything that took my fancy anyway.
Still at least i tried. But it felt degrading and i feel depressed.
It's weekend and money or no money i'm gonna forget all about it for now and have some fun.

Tomorrow Daniel and I are going to a Barbecue (weather permitting) so that means free food and drink. Skip the food, i need a drink.

Job Hunting

Job hunting tonight and I'm having it off tomorrow (steady now i mean a day off work). I'm gonna concentrate on giving things one big push. All I'm writing about right now is my dreary little life and it's getting boring. That's what you get for having a blog that is just a diary i suppose. But i need to put a stop to it. It's ruining my days and it's not as if anything has actually happened yet.

Anyway sorry about getting boring, and whilst we are on the subject, sorry about not responding to all your messages as well. I have read them, but as i have only had time to come online, write something, and then log back off again. I haven't actually spent enough time commenting on your comments, if you know what i mean.

So lets do something about it all shall we ?, I'm even boring myself now, Daniel has even told me to shut up going on about it. Thanks Daniel, very helpful. But i prefer him to tell me the truth rather than just think it and then avoid me, like some of my mates would do.
Things are getting ridiculous, i have even been pestering my local fish shop for a job and i couldn't think of anything worse than to work in a fish and chip shop. I need to calm down a bit.

One good push over the next few days and then i am then gonna just sit and wait for something to happen.

CV at the ready and my 'looking for a job' head on. I am gonna give it one good push from now until the weekend.

Daniel has suggested we go down to Piccadilly and see if i could get any work as rent.

Cheeky twat !

Fook you

It's the bosses Birthday tomorrow, I wish i could find a birthday card with this picture on the front.

Car or Bus ?

Talk today at work about some sort of points system to decide who will be made redundant.

I feel like i'm in a competition.

Time to lose the car I think. I’m convinced it costs more to go places by bus but I need to get some cash together and dad said I would be better if I didn’t have ‘that bloody thing’ to pay for. I know I have insurance and tax to pay, as well as petrol but have you ever caught a bus nowadays? And it’s not as if they come when you want them to, or go to where you wanna go either.
For me to catch the bus to work I would need to hop on and off two buses. One actually goes in the opposite direction to where I want to be, but I need to go that way just to get on another bus that will stop outside my work.
And the timing of this service is so bad that I have two options. Catch an early bus and be at work over an hour before I need to, or catch a later bus and possibly be 5 minutes late.

Daniel thinks I am going into panic mode. Getting rid of the car when I haven’t even got the sack yet is a bit hasty, but as I give him a lift everywhere and we use it to get about, I think he has a vested interest in me keeping it.

Oops

When I went to work today I noticed a circle of paint on the floor outside the neighbour from hells front door. One of those paint cans must have had some paint left in it. Oops!.

Looking

I have decided to take a couple of days off work at the back end of this week and look for a new job. They don't know that is why I am having the time off in the office, but I need to be prepared.
I have spent the whole of the weekend sorting out my CV and I’m gonna send it to anyone and everyone. The two days I am off I will start knocking on doors and I can take it from there.
Nothing might come of it, but it's worth a try.
Daniels knows someone who is looking for a labourer, but the money is crap and it's only part time so that is out. I also have the option of a little evening work cleaning some offices with a mate, but that is also part time with the added horror of having to work evenings.

I Need to find something though

Here we go again ?

The neighbour from hell is decorating his flat. As I came home tonight there were some old paint tins on my step and I couldn’t get up to my door, so I picked them up and plonked them outside his door instead.

Later on I heard a crashing sound. Apparently he must have come out and fell over them.
Something tells me this is all gonna start up again. The shouting and swearing I heard from downstairs was probably audible three streets away.

Swim

My Vision of going swimming was to glide through the water brushing against the odd hunk in speedos practicing his diving skills for the 2012 Olympics.

In fact the place was full of kids screaming shouting and splashing about, fat women getting in the way yakking to each other just standing there in the shallow end, and hairy old men trying to act like Tarzan in horrible trunks.

One old guy was the hairiest man i have ever seen and water made it look worse. It was Grey and his chest hair must have stuck out at least three inches from his nipples when it was dry.
None on his head though. what's that all about ?. Why lose all the hair on your head but grow more on your feet. He had hairy feet as well. Toes and stuff.

Then there is the smell of the place. and worst of all the whistling. why do people always whistle in the changing rooms ?. It's not as if it's a proper song that you know. No classics or anything current. No it's just a moronic nothing type of whistle that fizzles in and out again as they wipe themselves down with a towel.
I have never felt the need to whistle in a changing room. It goes with a long list of other things in life that i have never done and never ever felt like i have wanted to do.

Like: Spiting, farting loudly so everyone hears, holding one nostril whilst expelling snot from the other onto the floor, and having a crap in someone Else's house (Daniel never has any problems on that front)
Suddenly i have lost track of what i was writing about here. Swimming that was it.

Anyway i think we may have had our first and last visit to the pool. Besides it cost us money and we've already paid for the gym so we are forced to keep going back there now.

Nothing happening

Daniel thinks I'm mad because i just spent the last half an hour on the net looking for the music to the new Ford Car Advert.

But that is all i have to do tonight. My blogging for today is on the verge of turning into a tweet.

I am looking round the room for inspiration, and apart from him watching telly and me sitting here in silence typing away there is nothing to say or do. After last weekends blow out we are both skint, and considering the job situation i think it might be best to start saving some money rather than piss it away down a toilet. Steve said that i would be best not saving anything, The DSS help out people who are skint, but if you have any savings your on your own. I wouldn't trust, or rely on them either way, i need to pay my own bills and if that means stopping in at the weekend then so be it.

There must be something entertaining we can do that doesn't cost anything.

Hang on a minute i have just remembered I was gonna pump Daniel for more information on what he thinks about Chris at the Gym so i think i shall tease him more about that for the rest of the night.

Plan B ruled out.

Been round to Mums tonight to let her know about my job. She was very good and did suggest that i could come home if things got bad, but she also hinted that Dad might not be impressed if i did.

As far as he is concerned i have made my bed and i should lie in it. I don't think he would turn me away but it would be intolerable. I would hate it. For my own sanity it's not an option. He is not a bigot, he just comes from a different world. I know that me being gay has caused him problems. It has made him rethink everything he has always been taught by his own mum and dad. He struggles with me at arms length, so bringing it into the house would be too much. It's easy to judge people but i do know him and i know that this is just as difficult for him as it is for me.
I have gay friends who think i'm mad to defend him this way but i see two sides of the argument, and he's my dad. Some of my mates are just as intolerant of people who can't understand what being gay is all about as homophobes are to gay people, but when it's someone you love you feel like your stuck in the middle sometimes and any little light that you can see from them that they do care about you, even though they might not be able to accept you is something worth clinging onto.

Anyways forget all that, I need to start looking for another job, and fast.
The problem is, i need to find one that pays at least the same as i have now. Otherwise i'm stuffed.

Might be short stints at blogging the next few days. I can't look for a job during the day so i need to be looking at night

Good Advice

Everyone i see tells me to look for a new job. Just like that, as if it's a simple straight forward thing.

I know they mean well, but it's easier said than done. I know i should look elsewhere, but if it was that simple I'm sure most people would just move from one job to another whenever they got bored.

There was probably a time when i would have done that. But i lived at home back then and had a cushion to fall back on, my parents.

What is probably making things worse this time is the fact that a couple of years ago before i had this flat, i was sort of homeless for a bit, staying with friends and some family.

When i came out there was lots of shit flying around and i half left home, half had to leave home.

Getting my own little place eventually saved me, it's my little space and where i have managed to come to terms with my sexuality and by being myself.

This all might sound a bit deep, but it means i don't have to rely on anyone else, so i don't have to deal with their attitudes or beliefs. You probably wouldn't have recognised the old me, now i'm happier, more confident and more open then ever before. As weird as it seems, losing my job will effect how i feel about myself again. I can't explain it but i would feel like i was going backwards.

The time when things were going tits up really knocked my confidence, i was fearless when it came to jobs and money. I felt that i would just get another job if i lost the one i had and if i had no money then, so what ?.

Now i realise how much money and a job have given me. And both mean much more now.

It's all good advice, and i am grateful to all those who offered it, but advice is easier to dish than do, and in the end they are just words. I have to act on that.

Just go get a new job Michael, Simples !

Different exercise

I Saw a female runner leaning against a wall being sick this morning. Summer is on it's way and as more people do their best to get fit the odd one or two over do it and suffer the consequences.
I know the feeling, Exercise is like tightrope walking, one false move and you go from sweating to spewing. There must be a better way, I'm getting bored already.

Last week i saw a guy in complete running gear, tracky bottoms, trainers, sweatband, water bottle, and I-pod. He was sat on a wall drinking a can of lager and smoking a fag (LOL). That seems much more fun. But he did have man boobs and his nose looked to have varicose veins running through it.

We are considering swimming instead, it might be more fun, you get to see half naked people and it saves having a bath once a month.

Neither here nor there.

I went in to see the boss this morning, supposedly at half nine, but he was late.

Then he had a coffee and made me wait till ten o'clock. When he eventually gave me his full attention i had half an hours waffle about how times are hard, the fact that it is so quiet and that they need to pinpoint certain areas in the business that they should to cut back on.

Then he eventually got to the point and said that the office had too many people in it and they were looking at losing a couple of staff if things don't change. To my surprise i wasn't the only one up for the chop, there was someone else he was seeing after me. But he didn't say i was going, or staying, he just left it in the air. Am i getting the sack or what ?. He said he was 'looking into it' and both i and the other person were the top two to go. If i can prove i am worth keeping or he can think of other options then he will reconsider it.

I think he thought he was filming an episode of the Apprentice, What the fuck does he want me to do?. I half expected him to ask me why he should chose over someone else and what i would have to offer him if he does, before saying, 'Your fired!'

Talking to someone else at the company they said he was following a procedure, and line one is to inform staff that their job is in jeopardy, why, and give them the opportunity to come up with other options to avoid going (job share/part time/wage drop etc.). He is so shit at following procedure that he translates things like this in his own style. Actually all of the above would be no good to me, i need all the money, not half of it.

It's weird, i hate the job, i don't like the people i work with and yet i don't want to go. I need this job. I don't think my landlord will allow DSS tenants and i'm getting a bit worried now about what i should do. Going back home isn't an option.

Until you get the proper heave ho you can't really look for another job, but i think i should seriously start. It's not gonna happen tomorrow, but i need to be prepared.
What a crap day.

Tough Times

There is talk of us getting rid of people in the office, it's getting very quiet and i suspect i am for the chop.

No-one is saying, but they are trying to hint at everyone that we need to cut back. This is just like a tease. It doesn't actually let you know where you stand, it just makes you feel uneasy. I suspect my boss thinks it will keep us all on our toes, but i just feel insecure and less inclined to be interested in a job that might be on it's way out.

On one hand i would be happy to leave, i have been looking for something else anyway. I don't really like it here. But it pays the bills and when i think of the alternative it scares the pants off me.

Tomorrow i have a meeting with the boss himself but he wont say what it is about.

I think it is a bit of a shitty thing to do and just about describes the type of person he is. To tell me he wants to speak to me first thing in the morning and not say what it is about is his way of being a twat. For all i know it might be something or nothing, but he knows i will be up all night wondering what the hell it is he wants to talk to me about.

Bastard !

Pretty people cheer me up

I Love Rachel

Saw Rachel again today and went for a coffee. During our chat she told me that she had once read an article in a magazine about people who had problems with wind.

One women had written in saying that she had terrible problems farting and it was very embarrassing when in the company of others, and had asked for suggestions on how to cope with this. Amongst the many suggestions made was one that stood out for Rachel. It said that when no-one is looking you could reach round and surreptitiously (great word)try pulling your buttocks apart when you fart, thus creating a more through fair for the wind to escape, making it less likely that you to blow a raspberry and more of a chance that there will just be a faint gush of air.

After laughing at this Rachel then told me that she tried it and it doesn't work.

She said that she was once, at a funeral! (LOL), when she felt that she was going to fart. She reached behind and pulled her cheeks apart, then let rip.

'What happened ?' I said.

'Well you know when you let air out of a balloon and you pull the opening, it just goes a few tones higher and makes it louder !.'

I nearly chocked on my Coffee

I love Rachel.

Big Brother

I just saw a little bit of Big Brothers little Brother on telly.

It's started up again, a program i used to like a few years back, but now hate. As the guy was waffling on about contestents i don't know or care about there was a banner running along the bottom of the screen that said

"Breaking News: 11.24am Marcus sings a rhyme about porridge"

Could this be the shittest show on TV ?

......and relax

Daniel said that the best cure for a hangover is to go sweat it out at the gym.
For your information it doesn't work. I feel faint and even more knackered than i did yesterday.

It was a great Friday night out but i think the rest of the weekend has just been a complete wash out. And thinking about it, much of Friday is a bit of a blur as well. I probably only remember the first hour or so and then it's like remembering a dream. I'm not sure where we went or what we did. I know we had a drink local in Oldham, then we got a lift into Mancs, we strolled up and down Canal Street and around there for a bit, but everywhere looks the same. It's all wine bars and heaving with straight people. Lots of women on hen nights out coming to look at the camp queens and in some cases trying their best to get off with them. I hate it when the screeching slappers in nurses uniforms wearing L plates turn up, GO AWAY, YOUR NOT GAY!, THIS IS NOT FOR YOU !.

We went to a club, and things are getting a bit blurred now i was just following the others. I rolled in at about 5 in the morning and that was that.
But even though i feel wrecked by it all i do feel like i have let off steam. It's weird, when you go out and have a really good blast, it feels like someone has drilled a hole at the side of my head and let out all the pressure built up through daily life.

I'm not saying everyone should turn to drink and i only do it now and then, but i think everyone should experience that once a month feeling of abandonment, of letting go and not giving a shit. To laugh at the most ridiculous things, to feel happy with your friends, to walk down a street full people feeling confident and content with your world. I don't get that normally, so that's what i look for on my nights out. It doesn't always happen, sometimes you come home felling that it was a waste of time, but Friday night was a good one.

I never slept with anyone, i didn't take any drugs, i just let my hair down and acted stupid for a few hours.

Shit! it's back to work again in the morning.

Recovering alcoholic

After spending most of today in bed, it's now quarter to midnight and i feel wide awake.
Maybe a little spaced out and wobbly, but certainly not sleepy.
Do i go out, or do i stay in ?
Weekends sometimes end up like this, day merges into night, night turns into oblivion.
It's lucky i can't afford to do this often isn't it ? I could quite easily turn into an alcoholic.
Sasha suggested hair of the dog.
To be honest the very thought and smell of drink will make me chuck right now, so that is out.
So i am now sat here twiddling my thumbs. which usually means turning to the net and searching for porn or music.
Weekends are great don't you think ?.

Suffering

Hung over, look like death warmed up, mouth tastes like a wrestlers jockstrap, feel sick, headache, upset stomach, tired, groggy, legs ache, arms ache, eyeballs ache, hungry, thirsty and absolutely knackered.

What a great night last night was!

A quiet night out

Right that's it now, enough stopping in, i have done it most of this week, i did it last weekend and i have been a good boy and saved up all my pennies.

It's weekend and i'm going out no matter what. I know that you may not approve of this next sentence but i'm gonna say it anyway.

Tonight i am gonna get absolutely arseold. I feel thirsty and intend quenching that thirst to the max.

Daniel is coming round and we are meeting some of the other at 9. No boyfriends in tow, no plans, just hit the streets and go with the flow.
Dan the man has promised to keep and eye on me to stop me doing anything stupid -what does he mean by that ?- and i have a pocket full of tenners that will decide when i have to come back home again.
Anyone who looks like this fella on the right will get my full attention but not the key to my flat. God i love weekends.

Note : Arseold is an English expression for extremely drunk, i suppose assholed would be the American version but i don't think it means the same thing. I didn't know if you spell arseold like that so i typed it into google to find out, It came up 'did you mean ?' and Arnold Schwarzenegger came tops which made me laugh, but there was no word arseold, so then i typed in "absolutely arseold" and for some strange reason Mambam came tops !.

What does that say about me ?

The strangest question i have ever been asked.

My best female friend is Rachel.

When she came to see me tonight she wasn't feeling too good and came round for some tea and sympathy. I knew she was ill because i offered her a biscuit and she turned it down, that's not Rachel. I don't have many female friends but even if i did i know that she would be top of my favourites list.
She's about 22, slim, very pretty and can turn guys heads when she walks into a room. But she has a bit of a potty mouth, smokes like a chimney and drinks like a fish. Guys love her because she has no airs or graces and on a night out acts like one of the lads.

I love seeing her because she is just a naturally funny person who cheers you up without realising she is doing it.
If i said half of the things that came out of her mouth i would get my head kicked in but she has this knack of making it sound funny and honest, not offencive or cruel.
Best of all there are times when out of the blue she will throw in a question or remark that either make you think, or wonder where the hell that came from.
And because i am gay and male i get lots of questions that suddenly come into her head from a female perspective.

Tonight's conversation stopper was
"Can men Wee and Poo at the same time ?"

Not something i think about when I'm on the toilet, but it also begs the question back, why are you asking me that?, followed by, why?, can't women ?.

I'm probably not painting a very good picture of Rachel am i?

Letter of Apology

OK so this is what i came up with for Daniels grovelling letter of apology, what do you think ?

Dear Mrs....

On Monday afternoon i was working in your area, when i felt the sudden urge to have a wee. There was no Bog around and i was bursting at the seams. One of my colleagues told me you had an unkempt bush, so i decided to relieve myself in it. I tried to cover my Knob with my little finger bit it slipped out and it seems you saw it.
I'm sorry for using your garden as a toilet but it was just the once, your dog must have been responsible for all the rest, not me. I usually bury mine, and they weren't even the same colour as the ones i do so they can't be mine.

You can rest assured that i will do it in my trousers next time and i will keep your letter of complaint at hand in case i need some paper.

All the best
Daniel

P. S. You obviously did your best to get a closer look, so i enclose a photo of my cock for your viewing pleasure and hope this is satisfactory.

For some reason the miserable git won't send it though. All that hard work for nothing the ungrateful sod.

Gym Body

I'm not looking for muscles, just to be toned will do.

Gee Whizz

Daniel is in trouble.
Apparently he was working out on site with some other men and he needed to take a piss. There were no toilets close by so he decided to go behind a bush in a wooded area. Unfortunately this wooded area was actually the end of a huge garden to a very large posh house and the owner saw him taking a whizz because she was taking a walk around this massive garden. She has written a letter of complaint to his boss and he has in turn been given a written warning this afternoon.
As well as this he has been told he must write a groveling letter of apology to the stroppy cow to shut her up. He called me a few minutes ago to ask if i will help him write something that sounds creepy enough. It seems this woman has connections, we don't know what they are but the boss is making a big thing of the whole situation. So he's crapping himself that he might lose his job over it.

More tea Vicar ?

I have been invited to a wedding.

The only time i ever set foot in church is at weddings, christenings or funerals and i hate all of the above. I never know what to do, i don't know the words to any of the songs, do you sit down?, stand up? do the Macarena or what ?.
It reminds me too much of school and the sound of someone droning on in a big room that echos every word always sends me to sleep.

On top of all this, most churches are bloody freezing and after you've been sat on what seems to be just a plank of wood with legs for an hour or so your bum goes numb.
The only saving grace -excuse pun- is listening to a crowd of old people trying to sing and sounding like a cats chorus, it always cracks me up that.

Personally i mime -badly- and flick through the song book looking for pictures that never seem to be there. So as you can imagine i accepted this invitation reluctantly.

It's not something i am looking forward to, it's on my list of things i have to do, rather than the list of things i want to.

Older men, younger men

Start of a new week and another night at the gym.

I'm doing alright at the moment, even though i get the feeling I'm already sliding into a rut.

Job, gym, home, bed.

Chris came over and said hello again, But to be honest he did all the talking, i carried on pretending to row across the Atlantic as if i were being chased by pirates.

It seems like he goes to the gym as a social thing. I wanna get in and out as fast as possible.

I never thought of the gym in the same way i might a night out at the pub. He stays for hours , doing a bit, chatting to people and then doing some more. But he has now started going home at the same time as us.

Daniel thinks it's so he can go into the changing rooms at the same time as we do, there he goes again with his fixation with older people fancying him.

On the way back i decided to challenge him about this.

Why is it that any fella who seems really friendly over a certain age is considered a perv and probably trying to get off with him ?.

First he denied it. then he said that older men with younger is just weird, and eventually he admitted that he liked older men but wouldn't actually go with one.

You know when you shouldn't push a subject any more , he was starting to get pissed off because i was turning a conversation into an interrogation, but it was something i never thought about Daniel. When you know someone for a long time you don't question them over certain things because you assume you know everything there is to know about them. I didn't know he had a this strange thing about older men.

But i would be interested in finding out why it's all wrapped up in some kind of weird opinion of all older men being slightly odd for showing an interest in younger men. Even though there is absolutely nothing sexual in this Chris talking to us, because as far as i am aware, he is straight.

I think Trisha would say, Daniel probably has 'Issues'

And being a nosy git, i wanna know what they are. So i must remember to chip away at that one the next time i see him.